I’m into some pretty rough stuff. I spank hard. I hit people — punches, slaps, you name it. I’m into face fucking. I like rough sex. I like anal. I have some pretty big implements — baseball bats, a cricket bat, all the paddles — and some pretty vicious ones — straps, a piece of rubber hose, a couple of wooden spoons, and plenty more. I mete out some harsh punishments. I make people cry, and cry hard. I restrain people with my hands and my body. I do breath play until the other person taps out. I hold throats and I cover mouths and noses. I do some smothering. I dabble in some consensual non-consent. And, when I’m in the mood, I like my partner to do things that hurt me.

But there’s two things I don’t do.

First of all, I never do anything without consent, and I always make sure consent remains in effect throughout.

And secondly, I don’t ever — ever — treat my partner like she’s less than a human being who deserves respect and consideration.

There’s not enough porn of that.

I want positive rough stuff. I want the top to tell the bottom she’s being a good girl (or boy). I want “I’m so proud of you” or “you did so good, baby” or “I know this hurts, but you can take it — I know you can”. I want female tops who beat on male subs without degrading them. I want aftercare where the woman’s face is a Jackson Pollock mess but the guy is still holding her close and stroking her hair.

I see this in real life all the time. At dungeons, at parties, in my own house — because in real life we are all people with needs, and one of those needs is to be treated like a human being. I’ve seen people take beatings that surprise even me, and afterward there’s cuddling and talking and making sure everyone has water and food. I’ve seen rope scenes that end in tenderness and sweetness despite how intense they were when they were happening. And while I find it personally distasteful, I know that degradation scenes happen and afterward the people involved go out for Waffle House together and talk about their favorite parts.

Part of the problem with toxic sexuality is that a good chunk of explicit sexual imagery doesn’t have any of these things. It’s just fuck as hard as you can, cause as much pain as you want, degrade to your heart’s content, someone gets a facial, and then the scene fades out and the next one begins.

That’s not what sex should be. You can be as cruel as you and your partner(s) have agreed upon, but you have to be kind as well.

I want to see more of that as I scroll through Twitter, or flip through recommended videos on Pornhub, or read erotic fiction. Because I know lots of us are cruel and kind — in the right measure.

Our media should reflect that as well.

(This post was originally published on my personal Fetlife in 2017.)