I’ve always had difficulty initiating sex, mostly because I don’t want to come across as being pushy or demanding, even when the person I’m with wants that. In the almost-five years I’ve been with Partner 1, we’ve distilled the precursor to sex to be the question: “Dog or no dog?” In other words, are we going to bed by ourselves, to do fun things, or are we taking the dog with us? I don’t have sex in front of my dog (the one time I did it was super awkward) and I certainly don’t spank in front of her. She doesn’t seem to mind the noises as long as she can’t see them happening, and she’s always happy to see us when we finally do let her in the bedroom — although that might be because she knows she’s going to get a treat. 

Now that we’re cohabitating, there’s a bit of a different balance. We didn’t always have no dog nights when we weren’t living together, although I would say two out of every three sleepovers (we did about three sleepovers per week) were no dog nights. If one of us wasn’t feeling well, we’d simply say “I think tonight needs to be a dog night,” and we’d leave it at that. 

It’s great to think that, when you’re cohabitating, you’re going to have sex every night that it’s possible to do so. But there are often good reasons not to, and they’re the same reasons as before you’re cohabitating — someone’s not feeling up to it, one or both of you are too tired, you have to get up early in the morning, or you just don’t want to. I hate to say it, because it might negatively affect my image (whatever image you might have built up about me), but there are nights when I would rather just cuddle. 

And even now, five-ish years later, even when we agree to a no dog night, it’s still hard for me sometimes to ask for what I want. I’m getting much better about it, but it’s difficult, for the reasons I mentioned above. I think that’s because I don’t want to impose my will on someone else and possibly make them feel like they don’t have agency. It’s something that has been an issue of mine for a long time — at least ten years, possibly a little more. The more I care about a person, the less I want to impose my will on them in that way. 

Which is weird, because I’m a top, right? It’s my job to impose my will on the bottom (within the negotiated parameters). Partner 1 is the bottom, and I’m the top, and I know what the parameters are and respect them. It’s within the parameters for me to simply say “come with me into the bedroom so I can spank and fuck you,” and unless she has a compelling reason, she’d be happy to agree. But I can’t just come out and say that. I have to be circumspect. Not because someone else is making me be that way, but because it’s not in my nature to be that forward. 

So I’ll stick to “dog or no dog” for now. It seems to be working just fine.

Not sure how I feel about this meme image but it’s the best I could do.