Have you ever felt like you’re not really good at anything? 

Okay, here’s how I got to this point: at work, on every refrigerator, there’s a sign that claims the refrigerators will be cleaned every Friday. (This does not happen, BTW.) That flashed me back to the refrigerator at the radio station where I used to work; there were stickers on the door you could put on your items so they wouldn’t be thrown away by the maintenance staff. Then I thought about working at that radio station and how good I wasn’t most of the time. In listening to my air-checks about ten years ago, I discovered that I flubbed words pretty often. I never got in trouble for this — every radio broadcaster flubs words from time to time — but it always made me feel bad. 

Then I thought about my job, and how I’m not really good at most of it. I’m good at leading people and getting administrivia done, but when it comes to actual project duties I still don’t really have a grasp on them. (Not the project management duties — I’m good at those — but the actual project points.) At my last job, I focused pretty much on managing people (at my boss’s instruction) so I didn’t learn how to do a lot of the things my team did on a daily basis.

I was never very good at playing musical instruments; over the years, I learned trumpet, guitar, bass, and keyboard. I was never very good at cleaning my house. I was never very good at selling things (back when I worked in sales). And, for a long time, I thought I was a good writer but I really wasn’t. 

Even with spanking, which I know I’m good at, I still sometimes feel like I’m not because, even after 12 years in the greater US spanking community and running my own spanking party for three years I still see people doing a “better” job than me at spanking people. Not that I’ve ever had any complaints, but neither am I the kind of top that people seek out and ask to play (most of the time). I watch people play and wonder what I’m doing wrong. Which is silly; the people I spank always enjoy themselves. So clearly I’m not doing it wrong. 

But what if I am? 

It’s impostor syndrome. I know it is. That, anxiety, depression, and a whole host of other factors make me feel like I’m not really good at anything. And, what’s worse, when people tell me I’m good at something I don’t know how to respond. Receiving constructive criticism allows me to grow and change, but straight-up praise is hard for me to take sometimes — both personally and professionally. 

The only person who can do anything about this is me, and it’s entirely possible that I never will be able to. I might have to deal with impostor syndrome for the rest of my life. 

That’s a fun thought.