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You can be symmetrical, consistent, intuitive, and respectful, and still not have a good scene with someone because you didn’t listen to what they wanted.

It can be very hard to ask for what you want; even after all this time with Partner 1 I still have trouble asking for oral sex, even though I know she loves doing it and is unlikely to say no. And I’m a top; imagine being a bottom and having to say “I want you to spank me in this way, at this intensity, for this length of time.” Some bottoms are confident and can do this; others are not, and they require you to listen and intuit what they want and need.

Fortunately, the tide is turning; more and more bottoms are advocating for themselves and saying what they want to happen during the negotiation phase. In that case, it’s up to the top to listen to what they say. If the bottom says “I want you to spank me”, that requires intuition; if they say “I want you to spank me over your lap with your hand, and I want to start light but work up to hard” then they’re telling you exactly what they want and you need to listen to them.

Listening can go a long way toward building up your reputation, because there’s a long, long history of tops either not listening to what the bottoms want or trying to push the bottoms’ limits to do something the top wants. It’s like those posts that say “men: the bar is literally on the floor, and all you have to do is step over it.” Sometimes it’s the same way with tops; just listening to the bottoms and fulfilling their desires is enough to put you in the upper echelon of spankers.

Once you’ve listened to what the bottom wants, you then need to listen to their body (intuition again!), from their verbal cues to their nonverbal ones, and adjust accordingly. If you’re spanking someone and their reactions suddenly change, you might have done something they didn’t want (or it could just be something in their brain that’s unlocking); in that case you need to check in and listen to what the bottom has to say. If you’re doing a check-in but you don’t actually change things, then you’re not listening.

People like to be listened to. They want you to pay attention to them, to grok what they’re saying, to engage in intelligent conversation. And then, if you’re lucky, they like to be spanked and they want you to spank them. Active listening is a huge part of that, and if you’re listening, you’re well ahead of the game.