What am I?

My @AuthorJJRose Fetlife profile is my “professional” one. I also have a personal one (which isn’t terribly hard to find). On that one, I currently identify as a sadist, which is a true statement — I like to consensually hurt people, most often with impact play (like spanking) but also with other fun things like pinching, pressure points, and takedowns.

I recently wrote about a bedtime spanking I gave at Frolicon, and how it rekindled my spanko side. Not that that side ever really went away, but it came back in full force as I gave that spanking. At SELF a couple of weeks ago I focused more on general impact play, but with TASSP starting today, I’m changing tracks and concentrating on spanking.

Giving and receiving.

At events, I normally choose the badge, sticker, or other indication that shows I’m a top or D-type. And normally I am. But as TASSP approached I found myself wanting to switch, specifically to experience the sensation of being spanked. I have bottomed before, but not in a true spanking context (the closest I’ve really come is some light role-play with previous partners); if I pick “switch” for my badge, this will be the first time I’ll be advertising that people can come up to me and ask to spank me as well as ask me to spank them.

I want to give a lot of spankings this weekend. I already have two scenes planned out — one of which involves a funishment role-play that will end with ten scene-ender swats. I’m hopeful that I can overcome my shyness and ask people with a “bottom” or “switch” badge if they want to be spanked by me. I also hope people ask me if they can spank me.

But here’s the thing: although I like the sensation that comes with being spanked, I am in no way submissive. I’ve tried submitting in the past but I just can’t make that mental leap. Some people just aren’t able to, and that’s fine. The last time I bottomed for a full scene, the top and I had a conversation while she was hitting me with things, and I actually rather enjoyed that dynamic.

So, with all of that said, what am I? Or, more precisely, what should I identify as? Should I continue with the “sadist” label? Should I change to “spanko”? Should I switch back to “top”, which I was for a long time? Each label comes with its own set of baggage and preconceived notions that people have when they see it. When they see “spanko”, do they think I can’t do a “normal” impact scene? When they see “switch”, do they think I’m less capable of being a top? When they see “sadist”, do they think I’m always going to play as hard as humanly possible?

It’s impossible to know. And it’s impossible to say. I’m all of those things, and more. But I don’t want to go without a label, because that comes with its own baggage. Labels help us determine how to interact with other people from a kink perspective; they give us a framework to work from. But there isn’t a label that specifically works for me. If there was, it would probably be “service sadist who loves spanking and also likes to be spanked sometimes”, but that wouldn’t really fit on a profile.

So what am I?

Well, at TASSP this weekend, I’m a switch. So if you want me to spank you, ask. If you want to spank me, ask. If you want us to take turns, ask.

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