When I saw her

It makes perfect sense that people I know in the polyamory and kink communities will occasionally show up in my OKCupid feed. I always get slightly piqued when I see them, and I’m always curious to see what they’re going to write about themselves.

It also makes perfect sense that occasionally one of my exes will crop up; it’s well within their rights to seek out new partners. I’m on good terms with most of my recent exes, so usually I’ll send them a message and be like “guess who I just found on OKC…”

But lately OKC has been doing something that I don’t like. I have a geographic restriction on profiles that I allow the system to show me, so that I don’t inadvertently get my hopes up about anyone who lives too far away. Like in another state. OKC, however, has begun showing me people in surrounding states when it runs out of people for me to view locally.

That’s when she showed up.

There’s this woman who I’ve known for almost ten years. We met during the last year of my first marriage, and have been very close friends since. We also tried dating — twice — but it didn’t really work out. The second time, things got very awkward very quickly, and we didn’t talk for a long time after that. Then we did talk, but now we don’t talk anymore. I still see her on my social media feeds, and I’m sure she still sees me, but seeing her on OKC is vastly different.

Right as our awkwardness was happening, she was making plans to start things with a new partner. (We’re polyamorous; she didn’t hide this from me.) She was super excited about him. In fact, he was moving in from out of state just to make the relationship work. I felt like she was so focused on him that I fell by the wayside. NRE is a thing, and I completely understand that, but it hurt a little.

She’s very polyamorous — probably the most polyamorous person I know — and if she wants to add additional partners, so be it. But seeing her actively looking makes me feel some kind of way, especially since things were so good for so long, and we were so close for so long, and we had admitted we loved each other for so long but kept it from the other person because we didn’t think “the time was right”, and then we tried and it worked but then it didn’t, and it ended so weirdly…

I do hope she’s happy. And I hope that, if we see each other in person at some point in the future (which seems likely; we both go to spanking parties), we can hug and talk and maybe do a scene. It’ll be awkward, I’m sure, but I’m going to be an adult about it.

Still: when I saw her, it hurt. More than it should have.

One thought on “When I saw her

  1. NRE is definitely a thing but I feel you on the “actively looking made me feel some kind of way” vibe. I never really actively looked for other partners because I was usually quite happy with my current partners. I have always just let new relationships happen in their own time and place if they happen.

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