Recently, Fesshole — a Twitter account where people submit their anonymous confessions — tweeted this:

I tried to give up masturbation to be more productive. Worst idea ever. Spent the whole day thinking about sex. Turns out the best productivity “hack” is to knock one out first thing in the morning so you can get on with life.

I have thoughts.

As someone who doesn’t masturbate a whole lot (although I did do it once recently, and discovered that it wasn’t as great as I remembered), I’m not sure if this is the best option for me. Especially since, as an erotica writer, I have to think about sex in order to successfully write what I do. If I masturbate when I wake up, will I have enough energy to think about sexy things so I can write about them?

But, more importantly, it would just be weird to masturbate in front of my dog. (Yes, I know, I wouldn’t be showing off to her, but she sleeps in my room — in her own bed, not mine — and when she hears me wake up she comes over to my side of the bed for pets.) I had sex in front of her once and it was a strange experience. I kept worrying about what she was thinking — even though she was probably just dozing through it, or waiting for the noises to stop. (I’m pretty sure that, while I’m in my room with my partners, she sleeps in the living room, ignoring everything that’s going on.)

Plus, and I don’t know if this is everyone or just me, but after I orgasm, there’s usually an “aftershock”, so to speak, several minutes later, where a final pulse of semen is emitted. This happens even if I go to the bathroom right after orgasm. The last thing I want is to have to go deal with that — or, worse, not deal with it and end up feeling icky and slippery the next time I do go to the bathroom.

I’ll stick to saving my orgasms for my partners, I think. They appreciate them more in person than they ever would if I told them “hey, guess what I did this morning!”