Vetting — making sure someone is cool and safe and a good member of the community before playing with them or allowing them to come to an event — is important. There are a lot of bad actors out there, and it’s necessary when holding private events or getting to know a new person that you find out a little more about them.

In my local community, I used to be fairly well-recognized; I went to a lot of events and munches, and I went to the local dungeon and play parties. I never had any problems being vetted; I believe it’s a good practice, and I’m not going to get on anyone’s case about vetting me, checking with people I know, or whatever.

But I never considered that I could be turned down after I was vetted.

Recently I met with the organizer of a local play party that is heavily-vetted — you have to meet with one of the organizers, and then all of the organizers get together and discuss if you’ll be a good fit for the party. She told me there had been concerns that I wouldn’t be a good fit for the party. She also told me about some things at the party that she felt might concern me. Now, this organizer has known me for several years, and has seen me at munches and events, and the concerns that she brought up were pretty valid ones.

Still, it was painful to be told “no, you can’t come to our event”, even if there are good reasons.

I pride myself on being a good member of the community; I don’t talk bad about other people, I am respectful of others persons and homes, and I play safely within the confines of the location (SSC, RACK, or PRICK, depending on where I am). I treat others as they would want to be treated. I’m not terribly outgoing in person, especially in large groups or when I don’t know a lot of people, but I’m generally considered as someone who’s safe to have around or be around.

I trust this party organizer to have her party’s best interests at heart, and if those best interests don’t include me, then I’m certainly not going to hold it against her.

But being told no in that situation is an experience I’ve never had before, and I don’t think I like it very much, even though I understand it. (I’m happy to be told no — and have been — if I ask to play, or ask someone on a date. That’s an entirely different thing.)