When I was married the first time, my wife was a one-and-done — she could come once (very rarely twice) and then she was done with focusing on her own pleasure. For some reason, this equated to us being “equal” in the number of orgasms we each got, and we had to “owe” each other if one of us got too many.

I realize now how wrong that was. Sex isn’t about equity in orgasms. It’s about equity in pleasure. Each person should receive pleasure, whether they’re receiving stimulation, giving it, or both. For example, I am extremely pleased when I’m giving head or giving a spanking; I don’t need to come to receive pleasure. I like to, sure, but it’s not required.

I was with a partner recently who, after we played and after I spanked her and gave her so many orgasms that she was tingling and vibrating even after we stopped using the toy, asked me why I didn’t want her to take care of me. Honestly, in that moment, I just wasn’t feeling like I needed to be taken care of. I received pleasure from giving her pleasure, and that, for me, was the equity. I would have enjoyed receiving a blowjob (or whatever she had in mind), but I didn’t need it, so after we played and cuddled we moved on to something else. Dinner, I think.

Pleasure isn’t always about orgasms. Sometimes it’s about making your partner happy and being pleased with that.