For someone who identifies as a top/dom, I’m awfully circumspect about asking for what I want. I think it’s because of a combination of things: how I was brought up to treat other people, how I never want to inconvenience anyone else, how I’m constantly thinking about consent… and there’s probably more to it than just those.

But as a top/dom, when someone enthusiastically consents to submit to me, and when we have negotiated in detail exactly what is going to happen and what is/is not permitted, it’s my job to give the orders, and to ask for what I want when I want it.

I like to think I’m getting better about this, but I know I’m not perfect. Take, for example, when I’m spending time with my girlfriend and I want to take her to bed. I always feel super awkward when I ask her to come to my bedroom, I guess partly because I don’t want to risk rejection and partly because I don’t want her to feel like she has to do anything. Which is ridiculous because she has made it very clear to me that she enjoys sex with me, including doing things that I find it very difficult to ask for.

Like oral sex. Receiving, not giving. I enjoy both (giving is my favorite) but when I’m with someone with whom sex has been negotiated there’s nothing wrong with asking for oral sex (and there’s nothing wrong with her saying no, for any reason whatsoever). And I’d say most of the time the person I’m asking is totally on board with doing it, and doing it happily.

But sometimes it’s more than just oral sex. See, I like butt stuff. I wrote a whole book about it. One of the things I like is penetration — giving and receiving. It’s my issue, though, that I find it almost cripplingly difficult to ask for that when I’m in the mood for it. It’s almost like my partner has to hold my hand (metaphorically) and guide me until I actually get the words out. You’d think someone who’s been on the D side of the slash for 25 years would be able to do this without feeling weird, but I still do. And the crazy thing is that I would only ever ask someone who I know would be on board with doing it, so it’s not like I’m afraid of being rejected in the moment.

I just have to ask for what I want. It’s hard, and I’m working on it, but it’s what I know I have to do. I have to trust myself, my partner, our negotiations, and our relationship (whatever kind of relationship it may be), and just say it.

“Come on; I’m going to spank you.”

“I want you to use your mouth.”

“Bend over so I can fuck your ass.”

Such simple sentences. But so hard to say.

I’m getting there, though. Slowly but surely, I’m getting there.

(I wanted to put a link here to a video of “get your words out” from Wonderfalls but I couldn’t find one, so just use your imagination.)