I am of an age where it’s recommended that I get a colonoscopy. I’m not afraid of the procedure — I’ve had things in my butt before — but, as anyone who’s had one will tell you, the prep is the worst part. You have to drink a horrid-tasting solution and then spend hours in the bathroom, probably very uncomfortably, until your intestines are empty. You also can’t have any solid foods the day before.

What they didn’t tell me until the day I went in for my consultation appointment was that I had to drink 64 ounces of the solution 12 hours before my procedure (which is at 10:30am), and the other 64 ounces 6 hours before my procedure, basically guaranteeing that not only will I be miserable and in the bathroom for hours but I will also not get any sleep the night before.

I’ve done prep for surgery before that involved laxatives, and while it wasn’t enjoyable, it wasn’t the end of the world. But then it was just taking one large drink of the solution and going to the bathroom for a little while. This, however, I guess is more intense.

Thank goodness I have a bidet.

The other thing I have to do for prep is change my diet. To wit, five days before the procedure I have to go on a low-fiber diet. That means, among other things, no fresh fruits or vegetables.

That, I think, is in some ways worse than the bathroom issue. I eat a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables — especially fruits. Every day I eat two bananas, plus the peaches that I love happen to be in season right now, and they don’t have a long shelf life. Now, I can eat canned fruits and vegetables — canned fruits are okay, but canned vegetables… aren’t great. But canned fruit usually has extra sugar in it, unless it’s “no sugar added”, in which case it has sucralose, which makes literally everything taste worse.

As part of the low-fiber diet, I can also eat as much meat, cheese, dairy, and non-whole-grain carbs as I want — pasta, white potatoes, etc. In other words, things that will probably make me gain weight. Perfect timing, right? I already hate exercising; these foods are just going to make me even less inclined to do it because I can’t look forward to having a healthy snack after I exercise (usually I have some fruit). A cookie tastes good, but it’s not the best option, all things considered.

My mother told me that her doctor doesn’t require her to change her diet before she has a colonoscopy. I guess my doctor wants to be extra-thorough. Apparently the purpose of a low-fiber diet before a colonoscopy is to make it easier to empty oneself out. That’s all well and good, but I’d rather not have to change my diet, thank you very much.

My hope is that I lose a few pounds from the prep. But knowing my luck, I’ll somehow gain weight from something that is supposed to make me lose it. That’s how it always goes for me: doing something healthy usually has the opposite effect — it makes me feel worse (exercising) or gain weight (diet changes).

At least after the procedure I can have some fruit.