Last month (maybe the month before; I don’t remember) I taught a Boot Camp class on Negotiations and Dungeon Etiquette. With the help of Partner 1, I put together some notes. I know I’ve written about negotiation in the past (even in fiction), but here’s my latest update on the subject.

1. Five basic points of BDSM consent
   1. Open Communication
      1. You need to be open and honest with your scene partner, whether you are the top or the bottom. Bravado has no place here.
   2. Identify Hard Limits
      1. In the context of the kind of scene you’re doing, identify each other’s hard limits. For example, if you’re doing a spanking scene, you don’t need to say needle play is a hard limit, but if you’re doing a knife scene, you’d want to say that drawing blood is a hard limit.
   3. Discuss Soft Limits
      1. In the context of the kind of scene you’re doing, identify what limits you might be willing to negotiate on. For example, if you’re doing a flogging scene you might be willing to allow someone to use a dragon-tail but not a bullwhip.
   4. Negotiate and Set Boundaries
      1. More on this in a moment.
   5. Establish Safe Words
      1. Pretty straightforward; more on this in a moment.
2. Questions to Ask
   1. Who is going to be involved?
      1. Just the two of you, or is it a co-topping scene, or will one person have an assistant, or is it a free-use scenario? If the latter, who is in charge of safety and rule-following?
   2. Medical and Physical Issues:
      1. Do you have any medical or physical issues I should know about? This covers old injuries as well as possible STI concerns (in case skin is broken).
      2. Are you on any medications that might impact the scene?
      3. Do you have any allergies to commonly-used kink materials, such as latex?
   3. What implements or positions are on the “no” list?
      1. “Positions” is important especially with predicament scenes, such as rope or restraint.
   4. Do you have any verbal or physical triggers or phobias I should know about?
      1. Some people are triggered by yelling.
   5. What intensity level do you want the scene to be?
      1. Both top and bottom should agree to this.
      2. Intensity is a subjective thing, so discuss it clearly and plainly.
      3. Are marks okay? If so, where can they be left?
   6. What do you want to wear? Who is taking the clothes off of you?
   7. What body parts can I touch? Or — what body parts can I not touch?
      1. If it’s a nonsexual scene, but sex organs are involved — such as CBT — make explicitly certain what can and can’t be touched, and how. This includes what can and cannot be penetrated.
      2. For a sexual scene, or a scene where sexual contact is permitted but isn’t necessarily going to happen, set boundaries beforehand, including barriers, body parts, and toys (surface and/or insertable).
   8. What safewords do you want to use?
      1. Most people are okay with green-yellow-red, but it’s good to keep in mind that not everyone’s interpretations of these safewords are the same.
      2. Agree upon a physical safeword as well, especially for more intense scenes (tap the leg, throw a toy).
   9. What kind of aftercare would you like?
      1. Sometimes people don’t need as much aftercare
      2. Remember tops need aftercare too so tops should speak up
      3. Checking in the next day
3. Scene Basics
   1. Safety precautions — have a first-aid kit, feeling for hard areas during heavier impact. 
   2. Listen to your bottom — not all bottoms respond the same way, the same volume, the same movements, etc. 
4. Consent cards or diagrams
   1. https://www.theduchy.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/Negotiation-Starter-v2.1-General-TheDuchy.pdf 
   2. https://www.devianceanddesire.com/2016/04/tonight-i-want-negotiation-sheet/
5. Special circumstances
   1. People who are injured
   2. People who are disabled
      1. General: Have a frank conversation about the play and what they want or expect from it. Ask if they have played before. Don’t over-promise anything and don’t force any help on them. 
      2. As a top: Be patient, allot extra time, ask questions about comfort level and the disability and how it would affect the play. Ask if they need help getting into position, and if they don’t, let them do it themselves.

In spanking scenes, negotiations are usually a bit more perfunctory than this, because a basic pickup spanking scene is like shaking hands. But negotiations should still be done — skirt up/pants down, how intense, what position. However, if you’re going to do a more intense BDSM scene, it helps to have a plan when you’re negotiating it.