Read more in this series here.

My friend Lunalovesbats posted recently on Fetlife her series of Underrated Red Flags in Tops. The fifth and final topic is Twinkledick Syndrome.

This is a HUGE red flag for me. This Top doesn’t actually value consent, and they think they can just dick away my body autonomy. In what possibly world in this person a safe person to be alone with, let alone to do kink with?

Don’t be a twinkledick. If someone lists a hard limit that’s a must-have for you, then you’re not compatible. And that’s okay–you aren’t entitled to have another person just because you want them.

There are a lot of things I like to do, and not all of my partners like all of the same things. Partner 2 likes being spanked, but only lightly. My long-distance partner will switch with me, but neither of my other partners will (nor would I necessarily want them to because they’re not switches). Partner 1 likes when I make a mess of her, but my other two partners aren’t into that. All three partners like to go down on me, but only two of them will swallow; one of them doesn’t like having come in her mouth. And all of that is okay. That’s why polyamory is great — there are things I want, and I don’t have to depend on just one person to fulfill all of my desires.

I can’t think of anything I need, kink-wise, that I don’t get from at least one of my partners on a regular basis. But let’s say, for the sake of argument, that choking was something I absolutely had to have in my life. I simply couldn’t be happy unless I got to choke someone during play or sex. None of my partners are into that; I know because I asked them (I do enjoy breath play occasionally but it’s not an absolute requirement or anything). The thing to not do is to say to one (or more) of my partners: “yeah, I know you’re not into it, but you’ll be into it the way I do it, so we’re going to do it, and if we don’t do it, then I don’t want to be with you.” That’s Twinkledick Syndrome, and if a top tries that on you, you need to run far away.

As a bottom, you need to value yourself for who you are, not just for what you can provide to others. If you aren’t into (again, for example) being choked, and someone wants to choke you, then either they have to get over that desire or they need to find someone else to play with. It doesn’t matter how hot they are, or how good they are at spanking, or what their sexual organs look or feel like; if choking is something they absolutely must have, and you’re not interested, know that they’re going to try it with you anyway (most likely) if they can’t get it somewhere else. And if you’re not polyamorous, or they’re not polyamorous, then you’re the only place they can go for that desire. Don’t give in just because they tell you how much they love you, or how good they are at doing it, or that they’ll leave if you don’t do it. All of those things are toxic and red-flaggy, and you don’t need that in your life.