I was in a Discord recently and a new member was complaining rather piteously about how he couldn’t find anyone to play with. He hit all the high points — he’s a “nice guy” (he might very well be; I don’t know him), he’s respectful, he doesn’t send sexual messages or dick pics, he gets meetings for coffee with people but it never develops into a play relationship.

I’ve heard this plenty of times, and I’m honestly sick of it. Oh, woe is me, I can’t find a play partner… but have you tried doing more than just messaging people and going on one coffee meeting? Have you tried, for example, going to munches and getting to know people in your local community? Have you attended events and classes? Have you gone to play parties even when there’s no one who’s agreed to play with you so that you can be seen as someone who’s been vetted? At those events, classes, munches, and play parties, did you talk to other people? Or did you sit there, sulking, hoping someone would notice you?

Look, I get it. It’s hard. Most people that I know who are into kink are introverts, or have anxiety disorders, or are at the very least quite shy. I, for example, am both the first and last, with a sprinkling of the middle (undiagnosed). But I spank a lot of people. Why? Because I forced myself to overcome my anxieties and get to know others. That’s why I got to play with so many people at TASSP 2022. And that’s also why I didn’t get to play with a lot of people at Crimson Moon 2019 — I didn’t talk to people, or get to know anyone; I just hung out with the people I knew. I was lucky at that final CM to get to play with anyone — my then-long-distance girlfriend introduced me to a friend of hers and I played with her a bunch of times. If that hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have played with almost anyone that entire weekend.

You have to put yourself out there in more ways than just sending random messages to people or going on the dating apps. The best way to get to know a new potential play partner is to be a member of the community. It’s not a panacea by any means; you might still not find play partners for a long while. But at least you’ll be making friends, and friends can lead to play too.

Just don’t be all “woe is me” all over the internet. I assure you it’s not going to get you anything but pity, and pity doesn’t equal play.