A lot of folks in the Atlanta area are now well aware of a formerly-well-regarded individual who has since been exposed as a consent violator and safety-procedure-ignorer. I will not name this person publicly because they are also very intelligent and have the means to sue for slander or libel, and I don’t want to take any chances.

In the wake of this, MsAnnBitch wrote on Fetlife a list of things that new folks to the scene should keep in mind as they enter into this wonderful world of kink. Here are my thoughts on her list:

1. Slow Your Roll. This is the most important piece of advice I think anyone new to kink should heed. When you read about kinky things and you want to do them, you’re likely to take bigger risks because you want to experience these awesome things you read about. However, there are (relatively) safe on-ramps you should be taking, such as going to munches, vetting people, and meeting in public well before you go private with someone. This includes long-distance/electronic-only relationships (which I would suggest you avoid regardless).

2. Find A Local Group. Hey, look at that! She said the thing! No, but seriously, your local groups are often the best places to go to learn more about the community. In Atlanta, there are several reputable groups, some of which I’m a member of, that prioritize education and safety over all else. Find one near you.

3. Find A Mentor. But when you do, be careful. MsAnnBitch suggests you never play with or sleep with your mentor. I would put forth that a mentor can be a good person to play with because you’ve built a level of trust with them, but definitely don’t sleep with them or get into a relationship with them. That’s not what mentors are for.

4. Research, Research, Research. That does not mean using fiction as a guideline for the things you want to do. Yes, a lot of my writing is realistic in nature, but it’s still erotica. Just because I have characters who can take hard spankings without a warm-up doesn’t mean you will necessarily be able to — or want to — do so.

5. Vet. This is the step a lot of people skip. Especially D-types. If you’re a fledgling D-type, you should be vetting people just as thoroughly as fledgling S-types. Or even established ones. Now, look, fellow D-types, I know how exciting it is when an S-type wants to do stuff with you, but just because you aren’t going to be abusive or ignore consent doesn’t mean the S-type might not have a history of doing so. I have been emotionally abused by more than one S-type in my life, and I’ve had consent ignored by someone who wasn’t a D-type (someday I’ll tell that story in full, but not today). Look into the people you want to play with, and do so carefully.

6. It Takes Time. I’m paraphrasing here, but basically, you shouldn’t be jumping right into playing with someone on an intense level. This is a little different for spankos, because at spanking parties we meet, do a brief negotiation, and then play — but we shouldn’t be doing it in private. There are several people with whom I’ve broken this rule, and I’m lucky that each time it went well. It just takes once to fuck up everything, though.

7. Don’t Play Privately The First Time. Another paraphrase. There are plenty of public forums in which to play for the first time — parties, clubs, events, you name it. You should not be playing in private the first time, and you should definitely not be playing in private the first time you meet. In fact, you shouldn’t play the first time you meet period. (Again, spankos are a little different because of spanking parties, but even then, if you don’t feel comfortable playing with someone right away, trust your instincts; you can always say “let’s talk some more” or “ask me later [after I’ve vetted you]”.)

8. Check Your Fantasy. When I wrote Shell Game, what I thought I wanted was a 24/7 submissive/slave. When I had the opportunity to experience that, I realized it wasn’t what I wanted. It was a nice fantasy, but in reality I wanted someone who would think for herself, advocate for herself, and not submit to me just because I’m the D-type and she’s the S-type. The things you read about in erotica are fantasies; no matter how realistically we write them, they aren’t real.

9. Announce The Ghosters. One final paraphrase. If you spend a bunch of time planning with someone, and after the scene they disappear, it means they were using you (or a meteor fell on their house, but that’s less likely) — and it probably, but not always, means that they were married and cheating on their spouse. Especially if they’re a man who can only talk to you during the day, or at certain times of the day, or only wants to meet during working hours. I’m getting off-track here, but the point is: if you get ghosted, tell other people about who ghosted you. Don’t accuse them of anything except ghosting, but be open and honest about it. Other people need to know this.

And I’m going to add one more thing:

10. Don’t Believe Everything You Read. People are quick to post on Fetlife when something goes wrong (in their opinion). It may be that they’re a jilted ex, or had a scene that didn’t go exactly how their fantasy was laid out in their head. Most people aren’t liars, and if they’re talking about consent violations there’s probably a good reason, but like items 4 and 5 above, do your research and vet other people before immediately assuming that they’re right (or wrong).