The “relationship escalator” is:
The default set of societal expectations for intimate relationships. Partners follow a progressive set of steps, each with visible markers, toward a clear goal.
However, in polyamory, the escalator is a little different. The final goal isn’t necessarily a legally-sanctioned marriage with two people cohabitating and having children. Instead, a lot of people treat relationships more like a menu, picking and choosing what they want. I found this menu on Fetlife (couldn’t find the original source) and I’ve broken it down into four parts, each with two sub-parts. It’s not something you must follow, but it’s a place to start when you’re thinking about polyamory. I’ve added my own personal notes as well.
Five ways to look at the items you want on the menu are:
- Required / Needed
- Preferred / Desired
- Maybe / Possibly Want
- Unlikely, but not impossible
- Off-limits
Previous entries in this series:
Part 4A: Social Integration
- Meeting metamours – Preferred / desired. I want to meet the people you love. I don’t have to, but I want to.
- Meeting children – Maybe / possibly want — I may eventually want you to meet my kid, and you may eventually want me to meet your kid(s). But it’s not a requirement.
- Meeting parents / siblings / extended family – Maybe / possibly want — again, it depends on the person.
- Meeting friends – Preferred / desired. I’d like to meet the people you tell me about.
- Spending time as a couple with friends / family – Preferred / desired.
- Positive relationships with metamours – Preferred / desired — we have to at least be on good terms, although we don’t have to be buddy-buddy.
- Serving as +1 for social events – Preferred / desired. I’m proud of being with you. I want to show you off.
- Presenting as a couple in public settings – Preferred / desired — see previous entry.
- Following on social media – Required / needed.
- Tagged posts on social media – Maybe / possibly want. I don’t need you to tag me in everything and be all lovey-dovey, but when appropriate, a tag is welcome.
- Presenting as a couple on social media – Preferred / desired, although for the next year there’s a slight barrier to that. On Fetlife is fine, though.
- Tagged pictures on social media – Preferred / desired, although again, see previous entry.
- Presenting as a couple in professional settings – Maybe / possibly want. It depends on how comfortable your (and my) job is with polyamory.
- Joint vacations with family / metamours – Preferred / desired. These are fun.
Part 4B: Financial Intimacy
- Equitable financial splitting of dates – Preferred / desired, although I tend to volunteer to pay for things more often than not because of the way I was raised.
- Shared bank account(s) – Unlikely, but not impossible. I just don’t see a reason for this.
- Mutual contributions to vacation / activity fund – Unlikely, but not impossible. It’s more likely that we split or take turns doing certain things, like renting cars or paying for hotels or flights.
- Financial support – Unlikely, but not impossible.
- Small gifts – Maybe / possibly want. I like to give gifts but I’m not very good at receiving them.
- Large gifts – Maybe / possibly want, although I’d be even more uncomfortable receiving these. I’d much rather we work together to take a vacation or something.
- Budgeting assistance or monitoring – Off-limits in general. That said, if you need help creating a budget, I’ll be glad to share my spreadsheet with you.
- Complete financial integration – Off-limits. I didn’t even do this when I was married.
JJ Rose, Author 