The “relationship escalator” is:

The default set of societal expectations for intimate relationships. Partners follow a progressive set of steps, each with visible markers, toward a clear goal.

However, in polyamory, the escalator is a little different. The final goal isn’t necessarily a legally-sanctioned marriage with two people cohabitating and having children. Instead, a lot of people treat relationships more like a menu, picking and choosing what they want. I found this menu on Fetlife (couldn’t find the original source) and I’ve broken it down into four parts, each with two sub-parts. It’s not something you must follow, but it’s a place to start when you’re thinking about polyamory. I’ve added my own personal notes as well.

Five ways to look at the items you want on the menu are:

• Required / Needed
• Preferred / Desired
• Maybe / Possibly Want
• Unlikely, but not impossible
• Off-limits

Previous entries in this series:

• Part 1
• Part 2

Part 3A: Emotional Intimacy

• Expressing happiness and joy – Required / needed.
• Offering support in hard times – Preferred / desired — sometimes when people empathize with me it just makes me feel bad. That’s a me problem, though.
• Sharing vulnerable feelings – Preferred / desired — I always want to know when something is on your mind.
• Saying “I love you” – Preferred / desired, when appropriate.
• Sharing stories about past – Required / needed. We are our pasts. If we don’t share stories, how will we know about each other?
• Sharing hopes for future – Preferred / desired. Eventually, this will come up, but if it’s just a casual thing, it’s not absolutely necessary.
• Knowing personal likes / dislikes – Required / needed.
• Using pet names – Maybe / possibly want. If you have a nickname you’d like me to use, I’ll use it.
• Sharing about mental health challenges – Required / needed, because I’m going to tell you about mine if you like it or not.
• Supporting mental health work – Maybe / possibly want. I’ll help you, but I don’t always want help in return.
• Shared emotional labor – Preferred / desired.
• Emotional Transparency – Required / needed. If you don’t tell me how you’re feeling, how will I know? I’m a little dense sometimes.

Part 3B: Communication

• Daily or frequent relationship check-ins – Maybe / possibly want. I consider a relationship check-in to be a discussion about how things are going. I would want to have those whenever needed, but I don’t need them daily or frequently.
• Texting – Required / needed.
• Phone / video calls – Maybe / possibly want. I don’t mind them by any stretch, but texting is faster and easier.
• Discussing work and hobbies / interests – Required / needed. I’m going to talk about my writing and my job. You might as well talk about your hobbies and your job too.
• Discussing family – Required / needed. My kid is a huge part of my life, and she’s going to come up in conversation.
• Discussing partners / relationships – Preferred / desired, because sometimes I need to talk about other relationships, and sometimes you will too.
• Discussing politics / current events – Maybe / possibly want. The world is on fire (literally in some places) and it can be depressing, but I’ll talk about it if you want to. Also, you have to be at least somewhat politically-aligned with me; if you’re too far to the right, we can’t be together.
• Ability to express disagreements or hurt feelings – Required / needed.
• Ability to address and resolve conflict – Required / needed. I know this can be hard — it’s hard for me too — but it should happen at the time and not sit and fester. I lost two marriages to that and I’m not losing anything else.
• Radical honesty – Required / needed. Tell me the truth, and I’ll tell you the truth too.