Expanding upon yesterday’s post a bit, if you end up in a situation where you have two (or more partners), whether it’s a triad or not, you’re going to have to make a choice as to whether you want your poly to be hierarchical or egalitarian (or some combination of the two). Hierarchical poly is where you have a primary, a secondary (or secondaries), and so on; egalitarian poly is when everyone has the same “rank”, for lack of a better term, in the relationship.

I’ve done both, and both come with their share of problems. When I was married the second time, we did hierarchical poly; my wife was my primary, and my girlfriend was my secondary. However, we ran into problems when my girlfriend wanted more of my time and energy than I had available because I was focusing mostly on my wife. Then, during the first year of COVID, my girlfriend was my primary and I was dating a second person; I wanted us to be egalitarian, but my girlfriend couldn’t handle it and the second person bowed out before things got messy.

Now I am in more of an egalitarian situation, but even that comes with its share of difficulties. Partner 1 lives geographically closer than Partner 2 or my Long Distance Partner, so I end up seeing her more often and doing more activities with her. Plus, Partner 2 has multiple other partners of her own and takes time to be with them. LDP not only lives pretty darn far away but she also has other partners, so while we do talk on the phone sometimes our schedules just don’t always match up. When we spend time together, I tend to focus on her to the exclusion of Partners 1 and 2 — not that I stop talking to them, but I generally don’t see them much. That’s not very egalitarian, but it’s the way things are.

I’m reminded of a post I saw on Fetlife some time ago where the man was saying that he can’t get himself into a situation where he’s with two women and they’re not competing with each other. First of all, maybe they’re not competing with each other; maybe that’s all in your head. Maybe you want to be the object of a competition. Secondly, maybe you’re seeking out women who naturally compete with each other for reasons that you have nothing to do with; it could be related to their pasts. Or, third, maybe the people you’re dating haven’t figured out if they want hierarchical or egalitarian — and maybe you haven’t either. The man ended his post by saying “I haven’t given up on finding two wives” — well, that’s part of the problem right there. You’re too focused on your endgame and not enough on your journey. You can’t just date two women and presto! they’re your wives and you’re in a poly V or a triad and they instantly love each other just as much as they love you. It takes work — hard work, and a lot of it — and it takes time.

Like I said yesterday, polyamory is hard. It isn’t just going to happen, no matter how much you wish it so.