It never fails that, when I’m in polyamory or BDSM forums, there’s a relatively-large number of personals posts that are either a man looking for a second female partner or a woman saying she’s looking for another woman to add to an existing relationship.

That rarely, rarely works. You might get a good threesome or two out of it, but if you really want a triad, you can’t just cast a net and catch people (99% of the time the intended target is women). You have to actually get to know people.

Adding a third to an existing relationship creates a 2+1 situation — Fred and Wilma are in a relationship, and they want Betty to join them. But the way it should work is 1+1+1 — Fred and Wilma are in a relationship, Fred and Betty are in a relationship, and with time Betty and Wilma become closer and want to start a relationship of their own. And even when that happens, it doesn’t always mean threesomes for all; it might mean that Fred and Wilma are nesting partners and Betty has date nights with them individually, and while she’s with Fred, Wilma goes out with Barney, or while she’s with Wilma, Fred and Barney go bowling.

Creating a triad takes work. You can’t just put it out in the universe that you want one and then sit back and wait. You have to put in the time, meet the people, talk to the people, play with the people to see if your BDSM is compatible with their BDSM, and have an awful lot of discussions before you get to the point where a triad forms organically. If you’re just out there looking for “females”, well… first of all, a lot of people are going to equate you with a Ferengi, and second of all, it just comes off as gross. Dudes, if you want a threesome, say you want a threesome. Just be honest about it. If you really, truly want a triad, then by all means go for it, but don’t just post about it online and hope for the best; you have to be active, have to join local groups, have to go through a lot of fish in the sea before you find the perfect one for both of you.

Being in a triad is (probably) amazing. I don’t know, because I’ve never had one. But I can imagine how awesome it would be to share a bed with two (or more) of my partners every night. Not necessarily for sex; just for cuddles and comfort. (I mean, the sex would be great too, don’t get me wrong, but you can’t build a triad solely on sex, no matter how good it is.) However, if you’re out there looking for a unicorn, odds are good all you’re going to get is sex and, later, relationship strife. A couple has to be pretty damn strong in their relationship to survive adding a third, and even stronger to survive losing that third if things don’t go well.

Polyamory is hard.