The perfect storm of feels

This morning, I woke up and had an email in my work inbox asking me to fill out a form to get a new laptop. That’s all well and good, except that I just got a replacement laptop about two months ago. It’s old and janky, but it does work. So why does the company want to spend money giving me a new one? That’s what I asked our IT service desk, but all they could do was ask me if I wanted to cancel the request or not. I don’t know if I should cancel it; that’s why I’m asking you. But when you have an offshore IT service desk, they’re limited in what responses they can give by the response tree in their system, so I just decided, “fuck it, if they want to give me a new one, I’ll take it.” Even though everyone who has gotten a new one to this point has had issues with them.

Of course, I did all of that at 7am. Now I can’t get any writing done because I’m feeling ambivalent about everything. I’m reminded of this comic from Strange Planet:

Frame 1: a being stands in front of a mirror saying "Difficult day yet I maintain composure"

Frame 2: being rips the paper towel coming out of the dispenser saying "Ha this small setback amuses me"

Frame 3: being rips the paper towel a second time

Frame 4: being cries

Yeah. That’s how I felt after talking to IT.

I swear I need the perfect storm of feels to get any writing done. I have time; I have energy. I just don’t have creativity anymore. I looked at my notes, tried to figure out what I wanted to write, and just metaphorically threw up my hands and stormed off. Maybe writing this blog post will help, but I doubt it.

It probably doesn’t help that yesterday I downloaded a game I used to play in the 80s/90s and am now immersed in it. I want to write, but I also want to play the game. I don’t know which is going to happen. But if I do write, it’ll be because I felt “just right” about doing it and forced myself into it.

Isn’t it weird how I love to write but I also hate it at the same time? How I want to do more of it but when I have the time I just don’t have the gumption? Writing really is the hardest job that doesn’t involve heavy lifting.

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