It’s unfortunate, but there is a large number of people who get off talking to others about the spankings they received when they were under 18, usually from parents, guardians, teachers, etc. I know there are a lot of fantasies around re-enacting such things — such as schoolgirl or home spanking roleplay — but let’s remember that anyone under 18 is legally unable to consent to being spanked and it is therefore abuse. That statement’s going to piss off a lot of people who believe “I was spanked growing up and I turned out fine”, but it is what it is.

Anyway, that’s not what I want to talk about.

It is a fact of life that some people who currently enjoy being spanked were also spanked while growing up. It is also a fact of life that some people who currently enjoy being spanked might have triggers from said spankings that they don’t want to worry about while in a consensual spanking scene. So in my opinion it’s important to know if such triggers exist. For example, one of the first people I consensually spanked when I was coming out into the community, back in 2013, told me that wooden spoons were not allowed because they were triggering due to spankings she had received while growing up. I respected that and never even brought one out when we were together, and we had several great scenes together.

However, there are other ways to ask that question without just coming out and saying it, and therefore possibly sounding like a creeper. Usually, my go-to is “are there any implements or positions that might be triggering for you?” That allows the other person to consider their past and if — as my former play partner did — there is something that will negatively remind them of a non-consensual experience, they can say so without getting into detail and I can then keep that information in my head so I don’t ruin the scene.

This doesn’t just limit itself to spanking, either. There are plenty of other things that could be triggering. When I left my first wife, and met the woman who would become my second wife, we were about to have sex and she wanted to get on top. She said I didn’t need to use a condom since she was on the pill. I immediately shut down, because five years prior my first wife had sexually assaulted me in that position, forcing me to come inside her without protection when I did not want to risk having another child with her. Sure, I’d consented to the sex, but not to the possible pregnancy. What was worse was that my first wife then minimized my feelings about the whole thing, and that ultimately is what led to me ending the marriage. I know this has nothing to do with spanking, but it was a triggering event nonetheless. Fortunately, this new partner handled it properly, and she understood where I was coming from. Nowadays I can have sex with the woman on top without any triggering happening, probably because I’ve had a vasectomy and there’s no way for me to get a partner pregnant.

The same thing could happen with spanking. Maybe I got my butt whooped with a belt when I was younger and I have very negative feelings about the experience, and therefore want nothing to do with belts during consensual spanking activity. (I didn’t — for the record, I was never spanked as a child.) Maybe when I was in my twenties I got a diaper position spanking and the top hit me in a sensitive area and now I don’t want to risk experiencing that again. (That didn’t happen either.) The point is: it’s a top’s job to be aware of the bottom’s needs, desires, and triggers, and when it comes to the third one, avoid them whenever possible. That doesn’t mean the top has to come out and ask “were you spanked as a child?”; it just means the top has to find ways to determine what possible issues might occur so they can plan for them.

The lesson here? Don’t ask that question. Find another way. Things will go better for all involved.