That… that doesn’t sound sexy, does it? It’s not just me? Good.

I’m reading a series of superhero novels that includes explicit sex — though I wouldn’t call it erotica, because the sex is sort of an add-on, not a main focus. Of course the main character has a huge cock, because I’m sure it’s a self-insert for the author. And of course he gets it on with the hottest female superhero in the story, because why not write your fantasies? (I mean, I think it would be hot to fuck a superhero; I think strong women are very attractive.)

But someone needs to tell this dude that certain phrases aren’t sexy. Like when he talks about his cock “scraping” the woman’s “tunnel”. Eesh.

First of all: unless your cock is made of metal, and is sharp, you shouldn’t be scraping anything with it. There’s a reason metal toys are smooth-edged. Secondly: the average vaginal depth is about four inches (though it can expand to eight when aroused); that doesn’t qualify as a tunnel. When I think about tunnels, I don’t think about sex; I think about driving. I have never once thought of a partner’s sexual organs as a tunnel. Plus, if you think about it, tunnels are generally wide enough to fit more than what’s going in, whereas — unless we’ve intentionally done some gape play — no woman I’ve ever had sex with has had a tunnel between her legs.

I’m not going to say that my erotica style is perfect, and it’s certainly not everyone’s favorite. But I do know what is and isn’t sexy from a word choice point of view, and I know that “my cock scraped the insides of her tunnel” is not sexy.

No, not even if you’re describing anal sex. Trust me on this.

Honestly, if the books weren’t enjoyable in other ways, I’d have made like the nopetopus and noped on out. That’s how unsexy the sex scenes can be.

If you’re going to write a sex scene, maybe read some sex scenes (that aren’t on fanfic sites) before you do. And think about what goes through your mind during sex. If the words “scraping” and “tunnel” are involved, maybe it’s time to rethink things.