Some kind of way

Through no fault of my own — I don’t social-media-stalk her — I discovered that my second wife is engaged to someone new. Well, not new; she started dating him while we were married. But for the sake of argument, someone new. I’m sure he’s a nice dude, and I’m happy he makes her happy.

So why am I feeling some kind of way about it?

Our marriage wasn’t perfect. It had ups and downs — toward the end, a lot of downs. I made mistakes that I wish I could have taken back. I think I still love her.

But in the almost-two-years since we separated, I’ve had experiences I wouldn’t have had otherwise. I’m polysaturated now, and I’m happy about it. I have partners who make me happy, who I don’t have to worry that I’m going to hurt by simply being polyamorous. Sometimes I felt like I had to walk on eggshells with my wife (or, come to think of it, my ex-girlfriend) when it came to exploring things with new people, but I don’t feel that way anymore. My two romantic partners are happy for me when I’m happy doing things with someone else, and that’s a good feeling.

With one notable exception, I hope all of my exes find happiness. Why wouldn’t I? I don’t hold it against them that we didn’t work out. In most cases I wish we had. In fact, I had a brief Snapchat conversation yesterday with an ex who I would like to have been with longer; I know she’s happy with her husband, that they went through some stuff and came out better for it, and I’m happy for her. Doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes wish we were still together.

But it’s important to be happy with what you have, and I’m very happy with what I have right now. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I hope my partners know that, and if they don’t, well… I know they read this blog, so now they do.

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