Some years ago, I wrote a short-story to present at Frolicon, at the Bedtime Stories event. I actually wrote the story much longer than it needed to be — Bedtime Stories stories should be under ten minutes long, and ideally five minutes in total — so I clipped out a chunk of it to present. I was going to put the full story in a new short-story collection, but I decided instead to write Holiday Heat and ended up using a good chunk of those stories in there. One that had no place was “Professor Pain vs the Unstoppable Force”. I don’t know where I would include the story these days, so I’m just going to give it to you as a holiday gift. Here’s part one.

***

Professor Pain was sitting in his living room watching Jeopardy! when someone knocked on his door. That in itself was strange — no one knocked on anyone’s door anymore, not without texting first. And who would bother him at this time of the evening, anyway?

The professor used his phone to check his security cameras and he felt himself go weak, almost dropping the device.

Standing outside his house was a tall figure in a white outfit with red highlights and a flowing red cape. He had a mask on that covered his forehead, eyes, and nose. He was known to everyone in the world as one half of the most powerful superhero team to ever exist.

The Unstoppable Force.

The Unstoppable Force was at Professor Pain’s door.

“Oh, shit.”

Another knock.

“Crap. Crap!” Professor Pain tried to figure out if he’d done anything recently that would bring a superhero to his door. He’d been retired from the villainy business for ten years — when the meteor hit and turned random people into super-powered individuals, he’d wisely stepped away from his life of crime; he had no powers of his own, and knew he couldn’t stand up to the superheroes.

Especially not the Unstoppable Force and his twin brother, the Immovable Object.

“I know you can see me,” the superhero said, his voice coming through clearly via the camera. “Please open the door.”

It was the Unstoppable Force’s mild manner that got Professor Pain’s attention. He wasn’t using his usual stentorian tones. He just sounded… well… like a person.

The professor went to the front door and opened it. “How can I help you?”

The Unstoppable Force looked down at Professor Pain — there was a six-inch height difference between the two of them. “May I come in? Please?”

Politeness. Professor Pain hadn’t expected politeness. It surprised him so much that he stepped aside — he never invited anyone in verbally, just in case they were a vampire in disguise — and the Unstoppable Force walked over the threshold and into the house.

Not a vampire then. Great.

Professor Pain waved the Unstoppable Force over to the couch in his living room and sat back down on his recliner, steepling his fingers, trying not to show how terrified he was. The statute of limitations hadn’t run out on some of his crimes, and although he’d spent quite a bit of his ill-gotten gains hiding himself, it was still possible that something new had come to light.

The Unstoppable Force seemed somehow smaller than usual as he tucked himself into the corner of the couch, as far away from Professor Pain as he could without being in another room. “I…” he said, and then swallowed hard. “I need your help.”

It was the timidity in the superhero’s voice that really got Professor Pain’s attention. “What… what could I possibly help you with?”

The superhero took out his phone and showed it to Professor Pain. Even from across the room he could tell it was a Fetlife profile on the screen. “This is you, isn’t it?”

The blood drained from Professor Pain’s face. His Fetlife username was actually Professor_Pain — as a supervillain he’d had enough notoriety that people in the kink community pretended to be him, so he’d felt safe using the name on the site. “How did you find me?” he asked.

“It wasn’t hard.” The Unstoppable Force put his phone down on the couch beside him. “Your profile says you’re a sadist. And I’ve vetted you.”

“You… you what?”

“You have a reputation,” the superhero continued, “as someone who can cause all sorts of pain.” A pause. “I haven’t felt pain in ten years.”

“You’re the Unstoppable Force,” Professor Pain said, incredulous. “You’re not supposed to feel pain.”

“But I want to.”

Professor Pain stared at him, mouth agape.

“I got my powers ten years ago, when the meteor hit. Before then, I was just a guy.” Another long, significant pause. “A submissive guy.”

Oh. Oh, shit.

“Oh, shit,” Professor Pain said aloud. “And you want me to…”

The Unstoppable Force filled the silence between them. “I want you to hurt me.”

“But… how?”

From somewhere on his person, the Unstoppable Force produced a disc. It was about half an inch thick and as big across as the professor’s hand if he splayed out his fingers. It was green, and it glowed a little, as if lit from within. “Do you know what this is?”

Professor Pain shook his head.

“This is from the core of the meteor. The one that gave me my powers. The radiation makes us special, but actually touching the stone negates our abilities.”

Wait. Did that mean the Unstoppable Force was vulnerable right now? Could Professor Pain strike a blow for villainy everywhere by simply killing him where he sat? He might not be a villain anymore, but the temptation was there.

That, though, wasn’t the only temptation.

The superhero tossed the disc onto the couch. “Use it,” he said.

“Use it to do what?”

“Use it to hurt me. The way I want to be hurt.”

“How will I know what you want?”

The Unstoppable Force tapped his phone and, a moment later, the professor’s phone vibrated. It was a Fetlife friend request from strong_sub_80. “That’s me,” he said. “Everything you need to know is there.”

“Wait. Wait a second. The Unstoppable Force… is on Fetlife?”

“Why shouldn’t I be?” he shot back, suddenly indignant.

Professor Pain had been about to say something snarky, but he changed his tune. He was the last person in the world who should be kink-shaming anyone. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to be a dick.”

The Unstoppable Force nodded.

“But I do have a question.”

Another nod.

“What about Rachel Kim?” The author was well-known not only for her mystery novels but also as the Unstoppable Force’s longtime girlfriend.

“She knows. We talked about it. She wants me to be happy.”

“And she’s okay with you and me…?”

“Yes. She’s vanilla. But I have her blessing.”

“Good. I’m not going to enable cheating.” The professor had another thought. “Do you like men?” Professor Pain was openly bisexual, according to what he’d put in his profile.

The superhero shrugged. “It’s not about sex. I just want you to hurt me. Though I know it turns you on. I… might be willing to sleep with you after, if things go well.”

Hang on. Hang on a sec. Had the Unstoppable Force just said he’d have sex with a former supervillain? Not that it was about sex, or what sex the Unstoppable Force was. It was… well… it was the whole situation, really. How often did one get to fuck a superhero?

Even though Professor Pain was no longer a supervillain, he still had to turn the situation to his advantage. “I’ll do this,” he said, “if you promise to give me immunity for anything I’ve done in the past.”

“I can’t do that,” the Unstoppable Force said, “but I know you’ve been retired for ten years. Stay retired.”

Well, that would be easy. Professor Pain lived a life of leisure, his ill-gotten gains well-invested over the years. And he’d gotten out of crypto just before the crash, which had left him wealthy beyond his wildest dreams.

“Okay,” the professor said after several long moments. “I’ll do it.”

“Good.” The superhero got to his feet, and so did the professor. “Message me on Fetlife when you have something.”

“Yeah. Right.”

Next week: the conclusion!