Recently while writing one of the Lizzie stories, I came to a place where I could’ve included some conflict — basically, Alex isn’t sure how to say something to someone, and Lizzie figures out that it’s bothering him (and what it is), and they discuss it. Eventually they have a positive resolution to the situation and there’s no real conflict. Why? Because that’s how it would go in one of my relationships: we would talk about the issue, not fight about it. We would stop and think about what we were saying, not just spout off at the mouth. In other words, we wouldn’t do any of those drama-inducing things you see in media representations of relationships.

Maybe I do that because I’m trying to depict positive, loving polyamorous relationships. Or maybe I do it because, in real life, I’m extremely conflict-avoidant.

Example: I have an employee at work who is going to Europe to visit family for the holidays. He is also going to another part of Europe for a ski trip in the third week of the year. He asked to work remotely from Europe — with the knowledge that he would have to be on US hours. I told him I would look into it. I talked to my boss about it twice and both times he said that (a) it’s against policy and (b) without a specific list of tasks he’s loath to let someone work remotely for that long. Now I have to tell the employee this, after I already delivered some bad news about his trip and his PTO. I’m sure it will cause conflict, and that’s why I’m avoiding doing it. I know I should just rip the band-aid off — and, in fact, it would probably be easier for me to do this while we’re both on a telecommute day. Then I can just craft a message and send it to him in Teams. I don’t know yet if I’m going to do that, or if I’m going to tell him in person. Either way there will be conflict.

Conflict tends to make people uncomfortable. It’s why we feel so bad when it happens in the books we read or the shows we watch. It’s why, when we write, we often skip over conflict areas or smooth over them — so that we can give our protagonists more comfortable adventures. It’s not necessarily the right way to do it, but in some ways it is more realistic; all you have to do is watch one episode of a soap opera to see what happens when writers don’t let people actually talk to each other.

In a healthy polyamorous relationship, people talk to each other openly and honestly. That could lead to conflict, but it more often leads to understanding. It doesn’t always give us the most dramatic action, but it is realistic. I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather see my characters work together to face an external antagonist than fight amongst themselves.