Over on Fetlife, I’ve always listed my profile sex/gender as “male”. However, in recent years Fetlife has expanded the available gender identities to quite a collection.

According to their “kinktionary”, a “male” person is:

A male (often abbreviated as M) is a person who has the identity and characteristics of a man. When displayed on a FetLife profile this is abbreviated to M.

Male is also often used as a medical term to describe sex rather than gender. The medical use of this term describes a person who is influenced by the presence of testosterone in the womb and is born with a reproductive system that includes a penis, testicles, and prostate.

On the other hand, a person who identifies as a “man” is:

Man usually refers to a person who is generally aligned with the traditional or personal sense of being a man. This often, but not always, aligns with people who identify as male. This can include:

Cisgender men (those assigned male at birth who identify as male).

Transgender men (those assigned female at birth who identify and live as men).

Individuals who see “man” as part of their core gender identity, regardless of biology or transition status.

It’s this third point that I want to address. Specifically in the context of males using “man” as their profile gender as if to say “I’m a man, dammit!” When I see that profile gender on a cisgendered man, that’s what I think of: the guy wants to be known that he is a manly man with all the characteristics of a man and none of the characteristics of any other sex or gender.

But here’s the thing: most Westerners (which comprise the vast majority of Fetlife users) live in an enlightened society now (except for America, which is stuck firmly in reverse). There’s nothing wrong with a male person showing “gentler” emotions, doing housework, parenting, or taking on any of the jobs that were traditionally called “women’s work”. When I see a cisgender person whose profile gender is “man”, I see someone who disagrees with some or all of those things but doesn’t want to say it out loud because he knows it isn’t attractive to women to do so. (And it’s almost always women he’s attempting to attract; I’m sure there are some cisgender gay men who use “man” but I’ve yet to come across one.)

What’s even worse? When a cisgender man uses “cis man” as his profile gender:

A cis man is someone whose sex was assigned male at birth and identifies as a man.

Cis man is shorthand for cisgender man but not everyone is comfortable using the term Cis.

That’s really saying “there is nothing womanly about me in any way; I’m all man, 1000 percent of the time.”

I’m all for giving people the ability to identify as the sex and gender that fits them, but sometimes bad actors — either on purpose or just out of ignorance — will intentionally misuse those identifiers, and that’s when I get frustrated. It’s also when I immediately lose respect for the person and they have to earn it back. But I guess it’s nice that they’re so thoughtful about flagging themselves so other people know what they’re about.

By the way, I checked my friends list on Fetlife, and of all the men/male/male-identifying individuals on there, only two use the term “man” as their profile gender. Both are cis men. Just saying.