I recently read this GQ article about “nutmaxxers” — guys who want to increase the amount of ejaculate they produce with each orgasm. Now, I’ve talked about this in the past, and of course I’ve read the Reddit posts that list the holy grail, as it’s called. I posted the article in one of the group chats I’m in with my nerd friends and here’s the discussion that followed:

ME: I find that just staying extremely well-hydrated does the trick.

OTHER GUY: Is it really enhanced if it’s just bigger? Where’s the glitter? The fun additives? The cherry flavoring?

ME: The one I get ads for says it improves flavor as well.

OG: What if one girl likes blueberry and the other likes banana? We live in the future; you should be able to choose.

ME: Like medicine flavoring at the pharmacy.

I’m proud to say that in 30 years of being sexually active no one has ever complained about the taste of my come.