One of the country’s major spanking parties, Oasis, just ended yesterday, and I’m sure there were a lot of people there who wanted to spank and be spanked. Plus, with GASP just around the corner, this is important information to keep in mind.

People at spanking parties are generally pretty chill when it comes to consent — they respect other people’s “no”. But one of the pitfalls of going to a major event with a lot of people is that you’re going to run into folks who may not know the “right” way of responding to “no” when it comes to pickup play and spanking.

As a rule of thumb, if the person you’re asking to play with doesn’t give you an enthusiastic yes, you should treat it as if they said no. Even if they said “maybe” or “maybe later”, you should still treat it as a no.

That doesn’t mean you have to completely stop talking to them — at my first Oasis, I met a switch woman and asked her if she wanted to play. She said she wasn’t sure, so I said that was fine with me, and we kept on talking. Toward the end of the night on that first night, I said something to the effect of “I’m getting ready to head to bed, but if you’d like to play before then, I’d be glad to do that.” We had built enough of a rapport that she said yes, and we played several times over the course of the weekend. (Her hand was extremely stingy.)

This is an outlier, though. You have to take the temperature of the conversation before asking again. This woman and I had built a connection, one where I felt comfortable asking again, fully aware that she might say no, and being ready to accept that no and never ask her again. Had she given me a firm no when I first asked, I’d never have asked again, although I would’ve kept talking to her because she was pretty cool.

However, if you don’t get that enthusiastic yes, and instead you get a “maybe” or “maybe later”, that gives you one more chance to ask. The best thing to do is to respond to “maybe” or “maybe later” with something like: “okay, cool. If you’re interested, feel free to ask and we’ll discuss it.” And then don’t ask again. You’ve put the ball in their court, and it’s up to them to decide what to do with it.

Especially when it comes to pickup play, you need to be ready to hear “no”. Even if it’s someone you know. Even if you’re sure the person will say yes. For whatever reason, they may not want to play; there’s a woman I hand-spank at about every other spanking party, because sometimes she says she doesn’t want to and I respect that. Again, though, we’ve built the kind of rapport where, if she says no at TASSP (for example), and then I see her at Oasis Labor Day, I can ask her at that party. She might say yes; she might say no. But if I ever got the feeling that she didn’t want to play ever again, I’d stop asking.

If you’re new to spanking events, and you want to do pickup play, consider that if someone doesn’t say “yes!”, you should treat it as “no!” There are plenty more butts in the room for you to spank (or plenty more hands/implements to be spanked by, or both). You might be disappointed, but that’s just a part of the lifestyle. Learn to accept it and you’ll be on your way to being happier at events.