Remember when I put out the call for guest posts? Well, I heard back from Lady Katherine, who wrote an article about mental health and BDSM. Here it is:

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Through my 40 years on Earth, I’ve learned that mental health has a huge impact on my interactions through the kink world. I’m going to preface this post by putting a warning. This post will discuss SA, child molestation, mental health, suicide attempts, drug use, and infertility. If any of these topics are triggering, perhaps this article isn’t the one to read. I hope you come back to read other articles by JJ.

Life isn’t always easy and as a self-diagnosed empath, I’ve learned that empathy has had a huge impact on my mental health as well as other traumatic factors. Throughout the years, my trauma was eased by self-medicating through drugs and alcohol. Let’s start with trauma and how it shaped my kink life.

As a child, I was molested by a man in my neighborhood. I have no recollection, but my family always made it known that it happened. By 12, I was attempting suicide to escape the stigma and hurt my family had in their eyes. I finally broke down and told my parents about my deteriorating mental health and my mom took me to a psychiatrist to get diagnosed. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. After being diagnosed, my family decided I didn’t need interventions or medication to help and I began using drugs and alcohol to cope.

This childhood trauma was only exacerbated by SA that occurred on two different occasions during high school. During that time in life, it was taboo to accuse someone of SA and believability was low especially when alcohol was involved during both instances. To combat my sinking depression and the thought that I was going to be a victim my whole life, I became promiscuous and threw caution to the wind. This time period was dark and littered with drug use, alcohol use, and overall hatred of self.

By 2007, I found myself being experimental with my sexuality and attempting to learn about what all existed in the world to help me claim my sexual identity. 2009, I found myself led to FetLife after a casual acquaintance mentioned he thought I had submissive tendencies. I was a trainwreck in my head and I was searching for a way to feel something other than feeling like a victim. I wanted to own my sexuality and I wasn’t in the headspace to do it.

In 2010, I met a man who claimed to be a dominant (yes, I purposely left it lowercase… if you knew him, you’d know he was the furthest thing from a true Dominant). Cue the red flags. He was eager to get his hands on me and “make me into a true submissive.” He didn’t discuss what I now know is the most important part of a D/s relationship–limits and boundaries. He just did as he pleased. He used my body as he saw fit and I didn’t know any better. He promised to make me a submissive, and I felt as if that was the proper path. I took everything he gave (I won’t go into details, but it wasn’t comfortable nor did it help me learn who I am) and tried to be proud until he brought humiliation into the “relationship.” I was done.

Luckily, before I parted ways from FetLife, I had sent a message to another member who was local to discuss what I was going through since this person had been on the scene for years. I left Fet and went about life terrified of submission. Months later, I received a call from a stranger… he said he was on Fet and finally read my message, but saw that I deleted my account. He asked if I still wanted to meet and I agreed. I was still curious about the world of kinks and fetishes and wanted to find my place. I didn’t want to be a victim a 5th time, so I took to meeting this person at a local eatery where I worked and had backup. (Long story short, this person ended up becoming my person and we’ve been together for 14 years, married for 11 and a half.)

Our marriage wasn’t ideal to start. It comes to find out we were both submissives, but he said he’d try and take on a Dom role to help me. During this time, I grew distant from sex. When we had started dating, I took my mental health seriously and began taking prescribed antidepressants. If anyone who is reading has ever taken medication for your mental health, you know it tanks your libido. I went months without sex and my husband, much to his dismay, had to abide by my lack of sex.

This vicious cycle continued from 2012 to 2023. 11 years of trying meds, trying to have a healthy sex life, trying to face the demons in the closet, try new meds again, etc. It all came to a head in 2023 when I decided I was done letting my mental health suffer. My husband’s mental health was in the toilet due to needing to step into a role he wasn’t designed for and trying to constantly be there for me. I really put my nose to the grind when it came to finding solutions and finally found one that helped. With the help of a new therapy, I was healthy mentally. I became stronger, prouder, believed in myself, and ultimately liked myself. It was seeing this change, that my husband encouraged me to take on a Dominant role as Goddess. This seed has blossomed over the last 12 months with a small hiccup about 6 months in.

My mental health took a huge hit around 4 months into the year. I was depressed with work and the fact that I was approaching 40 and about to have the biggest identity crisis associated with leaving my job I loved for 11 years. For 6 months, I had to resort back to being submissive. I forgot how to care for myself. I wouldn’t feed myself at appropriate times, I wasn’t hydrating, I neglected myself. I reached out again to mental health professionals and got back into the routine of medicine and this time I added therapy to the mix.

By November of 2024, I was feeling better and stronger than I ever had before. I resumed a Dominant role and life has become much easier to handle. I still struggle mentally, and putting myself into a lead role has had its difficult moments. Through networking, I’ve gained a lot of people willing to help me reach my ultimate goal of being the one and only Goddess of my household.

The purpose of this article is to let others know that it’s okay to question yourself, but to put yourself as a priority by focusing on your mental health. It’s not always easy being a 40 year old woman who cannot conceive a child, but I’ve grown to learn that it’s not always a bad thing that I don’t have children to care for. My mental health is my top priority and by not having to worry about children, I can focus on myself, my kinks, and my subhub whom I love dearly.

Put your mental health first. The rest will fall in line.

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Thank you, Lady Katherine, for sharing your story with us.