I have a friend who recently posted on Fetlife that she was un-vetted from a group without any further explanation than “consent violation”, and it drove her mad trying to figure out what she did. All she could think of was that she had bratted someone who didn’t want to be bratted. For this friend, I could see this happening, but by the same token, I know that she is respectful of limits — if you tell her you don’t want to be bratted, she won’t brat you. I was very clear with her when I realized what she was (a brat through and through) and she has always respected my limits vis-a-vis bratting.

I feel really bad for my friend because she just wants to know exactly what she did, so that she can make amends as needed. However, this group has a policy of not telling people what they did in detail. I get that, to an extent — you don’t want someone who’s super-popular to go on a revenge tour against someone who accused them of a consent violation. I could see that happening with certain male spanko tops who are a little too full of themselves. But by the same token, we live in a country where you have the right to face your accuser. Yes, I know groups are allowed to have their own rules, but it still seems a bit odd to me. If I was un-vetted from a group, I’d certainly want to know why in detail, especially if no one had ever come to me first and said “hey, you’re doing X which is bothering me directly; can you stop?”

Kinky groups are really hard to manage for a lot of reasons. Maintaining a vetted list is one of them. I’m proud to have been vetted and approved by groups around the country, and I’m also kind of proud to be un-vetted by one specific local group who has some opinions and policies with which I disagree. I’m not a brat, so I can’t imagine violating someone’s consent via bratting. But consent is a tricky thing — it changes from person to person, and in each person from time to time. With this friend, if she brats me, I have consent to drag her somewhere and spank her, but what if someday she changes her mind and doesn’t tell me? Maybe she’s in a mood where she doesn’t want to be spanked. Would she call red on me? Or would she let it happen because of our previous arrangement and then go to a group leader and report me? (I know the answer to that because I’ve known her for years, but it’s a valid example.) This is why I often check in with people even if we’ve already agreed that I have consent from a previous encounter — the last thing I want to do is violate someone’s consent, not only because it could get me blacklisted from the kink and spanking community but also because I have had my consent violated and I know how awful it feels.

As a group leader, I have had to ask people to leave events (or not attend them at all in the first place). It’s very uncomfortable for the group leader because deep down we all want to be liked, no matter how misanthropic we claim to be. Un-including someone means that someone probably won’t like us very much. As a party leader, my team and I maintain a list of banned individuals as well as a watchlist. So far we haven’t had to unleash the banhammer — the people on our banned list know they’re banned from most of these events and don’t try to attend anyway — and my security team and I have talked to others, to warn them of certain behaviors. Usually a warning is good enough.

Which brings me back to my friend. It sounds like this group didn’t warn her; they just un-vetted her and told her she was unwelcome at their events. I can’t imagine her doing anything that would get her immediately banned. Maybe talked to — maybe. If she was talked to, she would change her behavior, just as any conscientious member of the community would do. Of course there are members of the community who refuse to change, and they certainly deserve to be banned if they continuously exhibit negative behaviors. The vast majority of us, though, would do the right thing and discontinue our negative behaviors. I’m sure if this group had reached out to my friend she would have been open to listening to what they had to say — even if they kept the accuser’s name out of it. The problem there is that, if someone accuses someone else, then even if the group keeps the accuser’s name out of it the accused can still figure out what they did, and to whom, and an unsavory person would go on a revenge tour. So unfortunately I understand why the group to which I’m referring isn’t giving details.

Another problem is that group leaders talk, so I’m sure my friend is also concerned she’ll be banned from other events just because of this one instance (of whatever it is she did). My policy is that I need first-hand evidence from the person who was wronged in order to put someone on the banned list, so in this case, my friend will stay off our list unless someone comes to me and gives me specific details of what my friend did to them. And even then, it’s up to me and my team if we ban her. I can’t imagine that happening, but then, people have surprised me in the past.

I hope my friend knows that she’s a good person, and a good friend, and being un-vetted from one group doesn’t mean she’s not worthy of being in the community. This specific group has a very low threshold of tolerance for behavior they see as bad, and now I’ve learned that they are pretty free-handed with their banhammer. That is their choice. As a group leader, I have to make my own choices, and other group leaders must do the same. I just hate seeing my friend in pain without her knowing why.