A few weeks ago, I took my daughter and Partner 1’s youngest to see AJR, one of our favorite bands (all three of us). I discovered AJR pre-COVID and played them in the car for my daughter and she was so into them that she made her Bat Mitzvah AJR-themed. We even tried to invite the band (hoping that they’d send a card or video message or something) but we couldn’t find a way to contact them or their agents.

I’ve been so good, I’ve been helpful and friendly
I’ve been so good, why am I feeling empty?
I’ve been so good, I’ve been so good this year
I’ve been so good, but it’s still getting harder
I’ve been so good, where the hell is the karma?
I’ve been so good, I’ve been so good this year

My favorite AJR song by far is “Karma”. It’s about a guy who goes to his therapist and laments that he’s been doing everything right but he still feels shitty. That’s how I feel these days: I’m doing everything right with job hunting and I still feel shitty. I’m doing everything right with treating my depression and I still feel shitty. I’m trying to do everything right with my writing and I still feel shitty.

‘Cause I’ve been so good, I’ve been working my ass off
I’ve been so good, still, I’m lonely and stressed out
I’ve been so good, I’ve been so good this year
And I’ve been so good, but it’s still getting harder
I’ve been so good, where the hell is the karma?
I’ve been so good, I’ve been so good this year

I have three partners and yet I still feel lonely sometimes. To be fair, one lives clear across the country and another lives clear across the city (Atlanta is an hour away from Atlanta) and the one who lives closest has a full life of her own, so it’s not like I can go to any one of them at any time and say “come over and cuddle me”. They try when I ask, but life intervenes.

I try to explain the good faith that’s been wasted
But after an hour it sounds like complaining
Wait don’t go away, can I lie here forever?
You say that I’m better, why don’t I feel better?
The universe works in mysterious ways
But I’m starting to think it ain’t working for me

I know people say you have to manifest good things happening to yourself, but it’s hard when you’re dealing with depression — or, worse, double depression, which is what I have. I’m constantly unhappy or bored, and I can’t write when I’m in that situation. If I can’t write, I get sad and upset about the fact that I can’t write. I only have 31 more stories left in Holiday Heat and I can’t bring myself to start working on them — and I even have (I think) three or four already written that just need some minor editing to be shoehorned into the HH universe. It’s difficult to write happy endings when you aren’t happy, and for the most part, I’m not happy.

Doctor, should I be good?
Should I be good this year?

Hopefully I just need my meds adjusted, but if I don’t get a job by the end of September I won’t have insurance — oh, I can pay for COBRA, but that’ll drain my accounts even faster. Without insurance, I can’t go to my psychiatrist and have my quarterly three-minute appointment where he asks me if I think my meds are okay and if I need refills. He can’t even be bothered to show up on time — literally zero times since I started seeing him has he been on time for an appointment. At least they’re telehealth.

I’ve been so good this year. (And last year too.) Where the hell is the karma?