Read more in this series here.

My friend Lunalovesbats posted recently on Fetlife her series of Underrated Red Flags in Tops. The third topic is situationships.

A good Top’s life is organized. Things make sense. There are no missing missing reasons. If you’re seeing somebody, and their relationship history doesn’t make sense, please take some time to ask yourself why that might be.

In this post, Luna makes the point that one should not text their ex. Obviously if you have children with them it’s different, but if it’s just because you’re lonely? Don’t do that.

Way back in 2000, I was bored one day and decided to try and get in touch with my ex-girlfriend from high school. I think things might not have been going well in my then-current relationship, and when that happens I (as do many others) tend to look elsewhere. (I don’t do this anymore, but I used to, quite a bit.) I found her email address and contacted her, and we had a few phone discussions. In those discussions I remembered some of the reasons I loved her — she was smart, and she was weird. She was also pretty, which kept me from seeing a lot of the red flags during and after our relationship. Plus, she’d broken up with me, so I probably still had feelings for her. I think the only thing that kept us from getting together was distance — she was several states away, in college, and I was still in Florida, where I’d grown up.

I think a lot about my exes — what they’re doing, how they’re faring, and so on. On Monday I talked about a sub I had for a while; we reconnected in 2021 but nothing came of it because she moved away. I still wonder what she’s up to. Not necessarily because I want to be with her, but because I’m curious. Of course, if she moved back to Georgia and wanted to do something, I would bring it up to my current partners and make sure my impulses were securely under control before I took any steps toward renewing things.

I also still text my second wife from time to time. I never wanted us to divorce, although I saw the writing on the wall and when she broached the subject I went along with her plans — which were very well-thought-out. For a while I still messaged her on occasion in hopes that maybe we could make it work, but I learned with time that it wasn’t going to happen. Now we talk because she’s still my daughter’s stepmother. Occasionally I come across something online that I know she’ll like and I send it to her, not because I want to use it as an in (she’s happily remarried and I don’t think she’s polyamorous anymore) but because I genuinely want her to enjoy it. And sometimes she texts me pictures of the dog, who was once our dog before the divorce.

I miss that dog so much. I love my current dog, but I loved that other dog too.

Ahem. Anyway. The point is: don’t text your ex with the goal of getting back together with them unless you really know what you’re doing, and even then, it could explode in your face. And not in the good way.