Read more in this series here.

My friend Lunalovesbats posted recently on Fetlife her series of Underrated Red Flags in Tops. The second topic is low impulse control.

Beyond kink, does this person’s life seem to be in their control, or are they likely to impulsively do things without a real plan? Part of Topping is demonstrating excellent self-control. Does their life indicate that’s their MO, or does it seem like a series of weird disasters they spend all their time reacting to?

Don’t get me wrong; kink is wonderful. But if you don’t have the rest of your life at least somewhat in control, you’re less likely to have your kink life in control as well. This sometimes manifests as frenzy. I personally spent a long time out of control and in frenzy — most of 2013, to be honest — and it wasn’t until I met the woman who would become my second wife that I learned how to control my more dangerous or destructive impulses. Ask any of my partners (play or romantic) and they’ll tell you that I exude calm energy, but that didn’t just happen overnight. I had to train myself to be calm, to consider things, to not allow myself to get lost in frenzy. And even now it’s still a battle — it’s not easy at all. When someone new wants to play with me, I have to consciously control my excitement and use my brain, rather than just running away with things.

Back in 2018, I played with someone new for the first time, and had an absolute blast. She was fun, funny, unbelievably intelligent, and sexy as hell. I immediately started crushing on her, and we did end up going on one date (plus another one years later). I knew that at the time she was looking for a partner, and I wanted to be in her life. She wrote something on Fetlife about the kind of partner she wanted and what she wanted/expected from a good relationship, and I felt I could be that person. I talked to my then-wife about it, and I was super-excited about the possibility. Thankfully, I had my then-wife to help rein me in and get control over my feelings. I never did become partners with that person, although we have played a few more times over the years and shared a few kisses. That was as far as it went, though; recently she said she was looking to add another partner (she has a primary) so I reached out very politely and said I was interested. She determined that we’d be better as friends, which was disappointing, but I’m not going to give up on a good friendship just because I’m not getting a chance to be in a relationship.

Let’s contrast that with what happened in 2013. I met someone online and fell hard for her. We got together in person for one weekend and it became clear that we were both in love. I didn’t have someone to help me with my impulse control, and I nearly moved across the country to be with this woman. We ended up breaking up and then getting back together a few months later before ending things for good. Had I given into my impulses, I would have caused major problems with child custody and my relationship with my daughter, who was in elementary school at the time; there was no way her mother would’ve let me take her across the country, and it would’ve been cruel to separate her from her friends and her life just because I was in love. I didn’t have good impulse control at the time, and had we not broken up, I might have done something really stupid. (I’m not saying being with her would’ve been stupid; we were very compatible and I feel that we could have had a long relationship if it wasn’t long-distance.) Part of how I dealt with my feelings for her was to write a book — I never published it, and had I published it it would’ve been under a different pseudonym, but the book helped me work through the feelings I had for her and understand that, while we did love each other, some things just aren’t meant to work.

It always helps to have someone to rein you in. These days my current partners help me with that, and they can certainly tell you that when I have an impulse to do something… well… impulsive… I talk to one or more of them first, to work through the possible consequences. Just one of the many invaluable things I get from my relationships.