My friend Lunalovesbats posted recently on Fetlife her series of Underrated Red Flags in Tops. The first topic was about pushing boundaries.

It’s okay to push boundaries if both parties are into it. I’ve asked Tops to push mine before, with a lot of careful negotiation first. It was fun, I’m glad we got to do it. I am consistently touched and humbled by the generous willingness of some Tops to experiment with pressing me a little to see if I expand.

But when you come out of the gate demanding to be allowed to invalidate and disregard my boundaries, what does that say about you as a Top?

Especially boundaries that are stated hard limits–Why is it that you immediately zero in on something I made clear is non-negotiable and start trying to chip away at my refusal? Can I trust you to honor any lesser boundary if your reaction to being told something is off the table is a flood of aggrieved entitlement?

In this instance, Luna is talking about her preferences vis-a-vis oral sex, but it’s an excellent point regardless. If you’re talking to a top (or a bottom, but this usually applies to tops more than bottoms) and they want to consistently push or break your hard limits, perhaps that’s a red flag. Sure, everyone wants to push or break boundaries, but it has to be done consensually, with discussion beforehand.

For a long time, I thought I would never want to be called “Daddy” because I’m an actual parent and it would be weird. But in the early 10s I met a woman online who wanted a Daddy, and I was enamored enough with her to try and push my boundaries. I decided we’d give it a try, and lo and behold I actually liked it! We discussed it beforehand, and I explained my concerns; in return, she explained more about how DD/lg works. When we finally met in person and I got to be her Daddy for real, it was wonderful. It’s not necessarily something I want to do again, or something I seek out, but I learned through careful exploration that pushing the boundary when it comes to DD/lg could have a positive result. (It could just as easily have had a negative result; I’m glad it didn’t.)

Another boundary I pushed in the late 10s was punching. I had a sub for a short while (four or five months) who was very into physical pain — I still have a video we made together of her taking 40 hard paddle swats on her bare bottom and screaming and crying throughout, and no I won’t upload it because it’s private — and after a few weeks (maybe eight?) we incorporated punching into our play. It was mostly her ass and shoulders, but then I had a thought: what if I could (carefully) punch her in more dangerous places? She didn’t have a boundary against it, but I did — I usually will only do impact in safe places. We eventually agreed that I would try punching her in the stomach. Not hard — I wouldn’t haul off and slug her or anything — but I would do light to moderate impact, and only when she was prepared for it and had been warned it was going to happen. She happened to be very muscular — she ran a lot and was in excellent shape, if a little thin — and she would clench her muscles when I hit her. It still hurt, but we pushed that boundary together, and we both found that we enjoyed it greatly.

What do those both have in common? That there was discussion before the boundary was pushed or broken. If you as a top can’t handle that part of things, and can’t handle “no” when you want to push a boundary but the other person doesn’t, maybe you should reconsider BDSM.