I’ve received blowjobs from a nonzero number of women, and in all of my years being sexually active, none of them has ever spit on my penis.

Yes, I’m referring to “hawk tuah” girl, who broke the internet in mid-June by saying the one move that never fails to turn on a man is to spit on his penis.

Look, I love a sloppy, wet blowjob as much as the next guy, but spitting is something totally different. I respect that some women don’t swallow and would rather spit out the come after finishing with their mouths, but that’s different. I can’t imagine a single time in my life when I would have appreciated someone spitting on my penis mid-blowjob. I’ve never written that into a scene, either (although I might now, just to have the person being spit on saying “what the actual fuck did you just do?”). In no instance would I have found it hotter, sexier, or more arousing than the actual blowjob itself.

So, if you’re planning to give me a blowjob any time in the near future, please don’t spit on my penis. You can get it as wet as you like using your saliva, but spitting has always been kind of gross to me. It probably stems from the fact that I could never spit very far as a kid, while my contemporaries in summer camp could do so. All I can think of when I think of someone spitting is this kid Tyler who used to hock up these massive loogies and spit them into the canal at the state park where we had our camp. I never really liked Tyler, and the feeling was mutual.

If you’re into the “hawk tuah”, no problem. You do your thing. But if you’re in bed with me, keep it to yourself.