Once upon a time in the late 1990s, there was a video game called Dead or Alive. It was a 3D fighting game similar to Tekken, and it had great character design and a fun fighting system. I played it a lot.

And it had nothing to do with Bouncing Breasts Mode.

To the best of my knowledge, this was the first instance of “boob physics” on the Playstation. When I worked at Babbage’s (kids, ask your parents), we got our hands on this game and not only did we love it for its playability but once we figured out that all the female characters had breasts that bounced like this we were hooked. (Hey, we were in our 20s and it was the late 90s. Cut us a break.) I wasn’t a virgin at the time; I’d had a few partners, and I knew how breasts really bounced. But there was just something about the way these characters moved that was mesmerizing.

Realistically speaking, any well-endowed woman in a martial arts tournament would be wearing a tight sports bra to keep herself from bouncing all over the place. But this wasn’t realistic; it was a video game. Still, if you got too distracted, you could go into the settings and turn off Bouncing Breasts Mode, which would turn the characters’ boobs into static animations.

I never turned it off.

Not because I was turned on by it or anything (although there were some bikini costumes that were 🔥), but because I didn’t see the point. The developers programmed the game to have this feature, and I could be a grown-up and not salivate over computerized boobs. Besides, if I really wanted to look at boobs on a screen, there was plenty of porn in the shared folders of my dorm building’s LAN (or was it a WAN? I never know the difference) for me to download and fap to. Plus, at the time I had a steady girlfriend who was sleeping with me, so I could just look at her boobs instead. She honestly didn’t mind. (We were very sexually active during that part of the relationship.) She even was okay with me playing Dead or Alive, because she knew that I wasn’t going to perv on video game characters, not when I had her right there.

But damn, those boobs are pretty captivating, aren’t they? They just go up and down and up and down and up and down and…