In a comment thread on Fetlife about polyamory green flags, user Lasenstein posted a really good list of “study questions” for polyamory. I had some thoughts on some of them.

Does the amount of emotional energy you are putting into the relationship feel appropriate for the shape of the relationship? For example, if you have known them for one month, do you have more contact with them and their private life than a friend you have known for one year? If you spend time with them once a month, do you have more involvement with their emotional needs than a friend you’ve known for several years?

This can be a tough one, because NRE is a real thing. When you’re just getting into a new relationship with someone, you want to do more with them, know more about them, interact more with them. The trick is to not shut out your other partner(s) from getting an amount of attention that remains equal to what they were getting before, that is consistent with the place they hold in your life.

Do you feel comfortable complaining or criticizing your partner?

I don’t think anyone truly feels comfortable criticizing their partners. Especially if they (the person doing the criticizing) is afraid of rejection. I spent a lot of my life afraid of rejection, so I’m very careful about how I criticize my partners, and I always try to do it constructively.

If you have a long and uncomfortable discussion with them about something that is making you unhappy, do you feel better afterwards? Do you still feel better two or three weeks afterwards?

This is a good one. One of my partners and I have had some somewhat-uncomfortable discussions lately, and we always come out the other end expressing our positive feelings toward each other. It’s difficult if, for example, one person wants to do something and the other person doesn’t feel comfortable with them doing that thing; it requires empathy and understanding, and not just a knee-jerk reaction of “well, you don’t have the right to say that/be upset about that.” When having uncomfortable discussions, take the time to stop and think before you speak. Trust me on this.

Does your partner always (always, always) tell you the truth?

This applies to more than just polyamory; in any relationship, you should always tell the truth. Sometimes telling the truth can be difficult, but having those difficult discussions and ending up stronger because of them is one of the hallmarks of a lasting relationship.