I recently found a post by theRedLife on FetLife where he gives his opinions and experiences on polyamory. As a polyamorous person, I was quite interested in reading this post. Here are my thoughts on the things he talked about.

1. Poly Isn’t Easy

Truer words were never spoken. I think I’ve been poly all my life, but I never really understood what that meant until 2012. I entered my first poly relationship in 2013, and it… well, it was interesting. I had a long-distance girlfriend and some local play partners. Then, in 2014, I had two long-distance girlfriends, one of whom gave me an ultimatum: she wouldn’t date someone who was also dating a monogamous partner. My other partner was monogamous to me, and I hate ultimata, so I said goodbye to the poly one. About four months later, the monogamous one gained a girlfriend and started to understand what poly was all about; if the ultimatum-giver had just waited, we might still be together today.

2. Grieving Is Odd

In 2022, I had three partners, all of them local. But one of them was starting to remind me of my first ex-wife, and I wasn’t happy in that relationship. I eventually decided to end things, and it was messy and ugly. We later reconciled, but at the time I felt awful about the breakup, even though I knew it was the right thing to do. I grieved the relationship even as I enjoyed the relationship I had with my two remaining partners (who I’m still with to this day), and it was weird. I felt like I should be more sad, but I just… wasn’t. I’ve never felt that “okay” after a breakup before.

3. Flirting Is Fun, But Be Careful

I don’t think I intentionally flirt with people, but apparently it does happen more often than it probably should. Yes, I’m poly, and yes, I like to get to know new people, but at the moment I’m not seeking any additional relationships — three is enough. However, I can see how some people might think I’m flirting with them, because in some ways I am. Not to try and attract them, but because flirting is fun, and it makes people feel good to be flirted with (often, but not always; you have to read the room first).

4. Be Open, But Don’t Take On Too Much

This is related to item 3 in some ways. To be polyamorous means you see loving more people as additive, not subtractive. I love my partners. Do I have more love to give someone else? Maybe. I’m trying really hard not to find out, though. Sure, I would love one or two more sleepovers a week, but do I really have the emotional and mental bandwidth to take on a fourth partner? Probably not, and I need to take care of myself before I can take care of anyone else.

5. Learning To Simply Enjoy

In previous relationships, I felt like I was always striving for something more or something better. In my current ones, I enjoy what I have. I’ve built the relationships to be the way I want them to be (and, hopefully, the way my partners want them to be), and I’m not in a place where I have to strive for change just to keep them interesting. They’re plenty interesting all on their own.

6. Allow Yourself To Feel

I haven’t had this problem since I split from my first wife. I used to hide my emotions, and even with my second wife I hid them sometimes because I didn’t want to stress her out. I don’t do that anymore; I deal with my emotions in a healthy way, and I talk about them with my partners, and we work through any issues we have. I’m not afraid of feeling things. Not anymore.

7. Learn What Fits

My relationships fit me. In the past, some of them haven’t, for various reasons; after my second marriage ended, I tried to make a relationship work with someone who was only available one night a week, from about 9pm to midnight. I really liked her, and the sex was great, but the relationship didn’t fit for a number of reasons that I won’t go into right now, because they’re private. I let that relationship go on much longer than I should have, and it negatively impacted my other relationship (to the point that she said “your other partner is taking up too much bandwidth and I don’t feel comfortable staying in a relationship with you”; she and I are still friends, thankfully).

8. Know That You, And Your Partners, Will Grow And Evolve

I mean, yes, we’re all always growing and changing, and our relationships do evolve (when I met P1 and P2 I never expected to have a threesome with them, nor did I expect to have one with P1 and LDP). My relationship with P1’s nesting partner has also evolved; when I met him, I wasn’t sure how to behave, because in my mind a nesting partner is always the primary and should be deferred to. At least, that’s what I thought at the time. Now I know that that’s not the case, and NP1 and I are on very good, relaxed terms.

9. Not For The Weak Of Heart

Loving multiple people means opening yourself up to more pain and anguish should things go wrong, and that’s scary. When it works, it really works, but when it doesn’t, it can be terrifying to think about what might happen. P1 and I had a pretty big fight a few months ago, but even though things were rough, she was very clear that she didn’t want to end the relationship (I was in the wrong, not her, and that’s not just me saying it — I really was the one who messed up that time). It was reassuring, but still frightening, because what if she changed her mind? What if she was so mad that she felt she couldn’t be with me anymore? Thankfully that didn’t happen, and we’re still together, but imagine if that happened with all three partners at the same time? Talk about heart problems (the emotional kind, not the physical kind).

10. Conclusion (I added this part myself)

I’m very happy that I’m polyamorous. I can’t imagine being with one single person who fulfills every single need I have. As a polyamorous person, I don’t have to seek that. Monogamy is right for some people, but it’s not right for me, and as difficult as polyamory can be, I wouldn’t trade it for the world.