I actually have two Fetlife accounts — one as AuthorJJRose, my writing account, and one that is my personal account. They’re not especially separated, and if you know one you probably know the other, but the thing both have in common is that, if I want to introduce myself or put my Fetlife name on a nametag, they’re relatively innocuous.

I was at a munch recently where I met a very nice Black man whose Fetlife name has the phrase “BBC” in it. I’ve since checked his profile, and yes, he does have a large penis, but when we were at the munch he introduced himself using a version of his real name. Which is totally fine; I do that too, both at munches and at parties. This dude is clearly proud of the genetics that gave him a large penis, and maybe he has some fetishes around that. But he didn’t introduce himself as “BlackManBBC” (that’s not his actual Fetlife name). Probably because he knew it wouldn’t go over well.

There’s a certain type of person that comes to mind when they have a Fetlife name that includes some reference to their penis. This dude defied that stereotype, which is great. But he didn’t introduce himself using the easiest name he could to find him later and friend him on a social network. And there’s a lesson there: be careful what you name yourself on social media, because you’re inevitably going to have to introduce yourself using that name. I mean, if your Fetlife name is DomlyMcDomerson69420 or DangMyBoobsRHuge, you’re going to look pretty silly spelling that out for someone. It’s better to go with something easy to spell, and something you don’t mind saying out loud. Most of my characters have relatively easy-to-spell and easy-to-say Kinkster names (Kinkster is the stand-in site name I use for Fetlife in my erotica) because, to me, that makes more sense. For all three of my partners, their Fetlife names are easy to say and easy to spell (although one of them doesn’t pronounce hers the way it’s spelled, so that sometimes leads to cognitive dissonance). When I introduce myself at an event, I give my real first name, and then my Fetlife name, both of which are easy to say and easy to spell.

I didn’t always stick to this rule — one of my first nicknames online, back when I was in my tweens, was Cholmboi — the “ch” because, at the time, I identified as Jewish, and it was supposed to be a funny way to spell “homeboy”, which at the time I wasn’t woke enough to understand I shouldn’t use that to refer to myself. But other than that, every other online name I had was easy to say, easy to spell, and easy to introduce myself as. When I was married the second time, my then-wife’s Fetlife name was easy to say, spell, and introduce (and it still is). I’m predisposed to be friendly with people who have reasonable Fetlife names, because that suggests to me they’ve given it some thought. It’s not a hard-and-fast rule — I have some friends (both on and off Fetlife) whose nicknames aren’t necessarily easy to say, spell, or introduce — but a predisposition is a predisposition.

So, in conclusion: be careful what you name yourself on social media. It could affect you in ways you never expected.