Yesterday I talked about things not to do at your first BDSM party, and a mistake I made at mine. When I talked about my koosh flogger, it reminded me of my first few forays into the now-closed 1763, which was Atlanta’s BDSM club for more than two decades. When I went my first couple of times, I didn’t actually have plans to play; I was going because I thought I’d have a shot at doing a spanking scene with someone. At the time I didn’t realize you’re supposed to plan scenes in advance, although I probably should have figured that out. So I walked around, carrying my still-relatively-compact play bag, hoping to find someone who didn’t look like they were busy with other people so that maybe they could be busy with me.

I asked exactly one person to play, and she declined. Oh well.

Had I known that pickup play is less likely to occur at BDSM parties and in dungeons, I would’ve been less disappointed. My experience, admittedly, was also colored by my trip to the now-closed Paddles in New York City back in 2003. But at that time, I’d gone to the club with five other people, and one of them specifically asked to do a scene with me. Ten years later, I’d completely forgotten that aspect.

Over the past ten years, I’ve done one or two pickup scenes at BDSM clubs or parties (pickup play at spanking parties is more common, but that’s a different vibe), but in general, all the scenes I’ve done have been preplanned. (Actually, on the day that I’m writing this, I’m going to a BDSM party, and while I do have two scenes planned there’s the possibility of two more because two of my friends who I spanked at Oasis are going to be there as well, so that might happen.)

Once I started going to BDSM clubs and parties with a partner, I was much less disappointed in general, because my partner and I would do one or two scenes together. These days I won’t go to a BDSM event without having a scene planned in advance because I know I’ll get frustrated if I don’t get to play.

Some people, though, have other ways to attract scene partners. One such person is a gentleman who was active in the local scene pre-covid. I called him the Peacock. I’m sure he was a nice person, but I rarely saw him play with other people. Not sure why. But at several events at 1763 and other clubs, I saw him acting like a peacock. He would bring a rolling suitcase full of floggers, except that the floggers all hung on the outside so people could see them. Then he would walk back and forth, “practicing” swinging the floggers in various patterns, clearly hoping someone would talk to him. I only ever saw the Peacock play one time, and then only for a moment because I was about to start my own scene. I don’t know how his scene went, or if he ever played with that person again, but what I did learn is that peacocking doesn’t work. If only he’d gone on Fetlife and posted that he wanted to flog someone, I’m sure he’d have gotten at least a bite or two over the years.

The best way to make sure you play at a play party is to meet people at munches, get to know them, and then talk to them about possibly doing a scene. Maybe they’ll say yes; maybe they won’t. Slow and steady wins the race. Peacocks don’t.