Recently on Fetlife, SpanishRed posted “Things You Should Know About Your First BDSM Party”. One point she makes is:

Some of the people you meet at BDSM parties might be into pickup play, but most will not. Negotiations, STI checks, and screens take time, so the odds of having an unplanned gang bang are low. If that’s what you’re after, a swingers’ event might suit you better.

At my first BDSM party I wasn’t looking for a gangbang or even for sex, but I did want to play. However, I was still new to the scene and didn’t know what to do. It was a hotel room party in rural central Florida, and I only knew a couple of people, and then only vaguely. I’m not even sure how 23-year-old me got an invite. I showed up with my toy bag — all spanking implements, because that’s all I was into at the time — and sat in a chair watching other people talk. At some point, we migrated into another room, where a bottom that I knew — one of the organizers — had laid down on one of the beds and had several tops hitting her with various things in various places.

And that’s where I did something one should never, ever do.

I figured that, since I saw people coming and going, that it was all right for anyone who wanted to join in for a while to join in. I took out my one flogger (I didn’t even know it was called a flogger at the time) that I’d bought from Fairvilla Megastore in Orlando and started gently whipping the woman’s thigh, since that was where there was an open area.

No one stopped me. No one even looked askance. So odds are that she had someone watching and making sure no one went too far or did something that would abrogate her consent, since she was face-down and might have been blindfolded (I don’t remember, honestly). But knowing what I know now, more than 20 years later, I know that you should never, ever join a scene without explicitly being invited to do so, unless some sort of announcement has been made beforehand. One example of this: at Frolicon earlier this year, a known person in the Atlanta community wanted to do a scene where people came up and hit her with things. She had someone watching over her, explaining the rules, making sure no one did anything that the bottom didn’t want, and then, at the end, the overseer (I’m sure with consent) fucked the bottom with a dildo. I didn’t see this scene, or participate in it, but I read about it. In that case, coming up and asking to join a scene is fine.

But don’t do what I did. Especially if no one knows you very well.

Back to my experience now. I ended up playing for about a minute, until I started feeling awkward, and then I went back to the chair and sat down. About an hour later, I made my escape and drove home. No one mentioned anything about what I had done, and I wasn’t ostracized or blackballed from the community (even though I didn’t really participate in it very much to begin with), so clearly I hadn’t screwed up. Years later, though, I know that I did the wrong thing, and I should have asked someone, instead of just jumping in.

Learn from my experience. Don’t just jump in. Negotiate beforehand. It’s so much easier now that we have many ways to communicate before a party or event; most events I go to have a wish board posted on Fetlife where people can talk about what they want to do and plan scenes ahead of time. It’s much better that way, especially if you have to deal with anxiety. And, if you plan something in advance, you won’t just have to sit around wondering when you’re going to get to play before going home unsatisfied.