The “relationship escalator” is:

The default set of societal expectations for intimate relationships. Partners follow a progressive set of steps, each with visible markers, toward a clear goal.

However, in polyamory, the escalator is a little different. The final goal isn’t necessarily a legally-sanctioned marriage with two people cohabitating and having children. Instead, a lot of people treat relationships more like a menu, picking and choosing what they want. I found this menu on Fetlife (couldn’t find the original source) and I’ve broken it down into four parts, each with two sub-parts. It’s not something you must follow, but it’s a place to start when you’re thinking about polyamory. I’ve added my own personal notes as well.

Five ways to look at the items you want on the menu are:

• Required / Needed
• Preferred / Desired
• Maybe / Possibly Want
• Unlikely, but not impossible
• Off-limits

Previous entries in this series:

• Part 1

Part 2A: Physical Intimacy

• Physical affection – Required / needed.
• Cuddling – Required / needed.
• Public displays of affection – This one’s hard for me. I don’t necessarily need it, but I enjoy it. So let’s go with “Preferred / desired”.
• Kissing – Maybe / possibly want. I like kissing, and I’m good at it (I’m told), but it’s not as important to me as cuddling.
• Make-out sessions – Maybe / possibly want, for the same reason as above.
• Compatible sex drives – Preferred / desired. I want someone who wants to have sex when I want to have it, but I don’t need it every second of every day.
• Sexual chemistry – Required / needed.
• Orgasms – Required / needed, although there are occasions when I don’t come. As long as it’s my / my body’s decision, I’m fine with that.
• Manual sex (fingering / hand jobs) – Preferred / desired.
• Mutual masturbation – Maybe / possibly want. It certainly can be fun.
• Oral sex – Required / needed — at least when it comes to giving.
• Penetration – Preferred / desired — I actually prefer oral to penetrative sex. Not that I don’t like penetration, because I certainly do.
• Sex toys – Maybe / possibly want. I like them, but I don’t need them.
• Condom / barrier use – Maybe / possibly want, but only because it depends on my level of trust and comfort with each partner, and their level of trust and comfort with me. New partners, though, absolutely
• Regular STI testing – Required / needed. I do it at least yearly.
• BDSM – Required / needed. Not every time, but if there isn’t some sort of kink on the menu, I won’t be happy.
• Threesomes / group sex – Maybe / possibly want. I won’t say no, but I won’t be disappointed if it doesn’t happen.

Part 2B: Quality Time

• Regular scheduled time together – Preferred / desired. I can do irregular, but scheduling is great.
• Date nights – Required / needed, although for me a date night can just be sitting on the couch watching TV together.
• Spending the night – Required / needed.
• Shared hobbies or activities – Preferred / desired, but it doesn’t have to be everything.
• Vacations together as a couple – Maybe / possibly want, only because it isn’t an absolute requirement even though I very much enjoy when it happens.
• Calendar sharing (visibility only) – Preferred / desired with any relationship that’s more than just casual; required / needed for any relationship where I call you my partner.
• Calendar management / scheduling initiation – Preferred / desired, but only if we have a shared calendar together. I don’t want people putting things on my personal calendar.