The “relationship escalator” is:

The default set of societal expectations for intimate relationships. Partners follow a progressive set of steps, each with visible markers, toward a clear goal.

However, in polyamory, the escalator is a little different. The final goal isn’t necessarily a legally-sanctioned marriage with two people cohabitating and having children. Instead, a lot of people treat relationships more like a menu, picking and choosing what they want. I found this menu on Fetlife (couldn’t find the original source) and I’ve broken it down into four parts, each with two sub-parts. It’s not something you must follow, but it’s a place to start when you’re thinking about polyamory. I’ve added my own personal notes as well.

Five ways to look at the items you want on the menu are:

• Required / Needed
• Preferred / Desired
• Maybe / Possibly Want
• Unlikely, but not impossible
• Off-limits

Part 1A: Commitment

• Marriage – For me, this is unlikely, but not impossible. I’ve been married twice and don’t see it happening again, but I suppose it could.
• Pregnancy / children together – Off-limits, although I will continue someone else’s saved game.
• Sharing pet(s) – Unlikely, but not impossible, at least right now. I live in a one-dog house.
• Having a key – Preferred / desired. In fact, two of my partners have house keys already, and the only reason the third doesn’t is because she lives so far away.
• Cohabitation – Maybe / possibly want. I would love to have a nesting partner so I didn’t have to go to bed alone some nights, but by the same token it’s harder to host people and have loud sex or spank them when you know your other partner is home and can hear it.
• Home ownership – Maybe / possibly want. See previous entry.
• Prioritization over other partners – Off-limits. I no longer believe in hierarchical poly.
• Relationship labels – Preferred / desired. I need to know what I am to someone, even if that label is just “partner”.
• Planning for future – Preferred / desired. I like having a general idea of where we’re going in a relationship.
• Expectation of long-term involvement – Maybe / possibly want. With my current partners, I want it, but if I add anyone new, I don’t necessarily need it.
• Mutual commitment to working through challenges – Required / needed.
• Mutual commitment to relationship maintenance – Required / needed.
• Support through health challenges – Preferred / desired for most health challenges, but not all of them.

Part 1B: Autonomy

• Balance of time together and time apart – Maybe / possibly want. I like spending time with my partners, even if we’re just doing parallel play.
• Support to pursue independent interests – Required / needed.
• Maintaining independent friendships – Required / needed, although it’s nice when my friends are their friends too.
• Maintaining independent romantic relationships – Preferred / desired. I don’t mind if my partners are in relationships with my other partners, but it’s by no means required. I mean, my first threesome was two partners together, so…
• Maintaining independent sexual relationships – Preferred / desired. Conversely to the previous entry, I don’t necessarily want to boink everyone my partners are boinking.
• Equal distribution of relationship power – Required / needed.
• Alone time – Required / needed, but only until I don’t need it anymore.