Fun fact: today I learned that the chorus to “Fins” by Jimmy Buffet doesn’t say “you’re the only game in town.” It’s amazing what you discover when you search the internet.

Yesterday I talked about first impressions at munches. Today I want to share a story from a recent munch I attended. I noticed a young, attractive woman who said it was her first time at that munch (and might have been her first munch ever, although she said she had kink experience). I said hello to her, but spent most of the time at the munch with my partners and some established friends. However, every time I looked around and saw her sitting at one of the tables, she had no fewer than four men clustered around her.

Fins to the left. Fins to the right.

A lot of men are sharks; they see fresh bait and they circle it, waiting for the right moment to strike. The more attractive someone is, the more sharks will show up. It’s compounded if you look like you’re under twenty-five. And I get it: it’s an ego boost to have an attractive person want to do things with you. But people are generally smart — even young, attractive women who are exploring BDSM — and they can see what you’re doing. It’s not going to work.

At least, I hope it’s not going to work. Unfortunately, I have seen it work more times than not, and that’s why men keep doing it.

I didn’t see this new attendee go home with anyone, so that’s a plus, but I did see her add a couple of people from the munch — dominant men (she’s a submissive woman) — on Fetlife afterward. (No, I wasn’t stalking her. She followed me on there, so I followed her back, and I happened to see it in my feed.) Maybe she’ll set up scenes with them; maybe she won’t. I don’t really know. Maybe I’ll never see her again. But this post isn’t really about her; it’s about behavior in general. It could happen to anyone. It happened at TASSP whenever a female bottom entered a room full of male tops, and it’s happened at almost every spanking party I’ve been to. Too much shark-like behavior.

What do you do instead? Well, for starters, it helps if you’re with a group of mixed-gender friends, so you don’t seem as threatening (even when you’re not). Plus, if you already have friends of the opposite sex, you’re more likely to be confident and comfortable talking to the opposite sex and you won’t come off as shark-like. Take the time to build a friendship — or at least become acquaintances — before you jump into play (this is especially important at spanking parties, where pickup play is more likely to occur). That’s what I usually do, and I did over 25 scenes at TASSP this year, so I’d say it’s fairly effective.

Of course, it can also be ineffective. I’m reminded of a time when I was at a munch and my partner and I were talking to a new attendee at her first-ever munch. She’s very pretty, and we’ve since become friends (and we’ve played together a few times), but at the time I admit my behavior was a little shark-like: I knew she was new, and I wanted to get my hands on her before anyone else did so that I could have a new friend and play partner. I wasn’t looking to date her or sleep with her, but I wanted her to be in my circle. What I didn’t do was bring up playing with her on our first meeting — or even our second, at a munch the next week, or our third, at yet another munch. I gave her time to get comfortable with me as a human. But while I was doing that, another (very upstanding) member of our community approached her and they quickly became play partners, and then entered into a relationship. Sure, there was a little disappointment that I wasn’t first, but it was mitigated by the fact that both of them had become my friends over time and I respected them as human beings, not just kink dispensers. I think that’s ultimately why she agreed to play with me — because she knew me as a person. The fact that I’m a good spanker was secondary.

The thing is, when it “backfires”, if you’re a shark, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to stop. You probably should stop, but once there’s blood in the water sometimes sharks get even more attracted — “this other shark pulled it off, so why can’t I?” It perpetuates a nasty cycle of positive reinforcement, because the shark sees that another shark was successful and then thinks they can be successful as well.

I wish it didn’t work. I wish men weren’t like this. (There are women who are sharks as well, but it’s mostly men.) They ruin things for the men who want to get to know someone, become their friend, and then have a quiet, reasonable discussion as to whether they should play together or not (and if the answer is “no”, they remain friends). That’s kind of where I am with one of my more recent female friends; we met, we talked, we became friendly, we went out a couple of times (not dates, just hanging out as friends), and I offered to play with her. She wasn’t inclined to say yes, but I’m still friends with her. We still talk, and compare experiences, and make plans together. Just because I’m not going to spank her doesn’t mean I suddenly don’t want to be with her.

And that’s the other problem with shark behavior — the moment the bait “fights back” (by saying no), the shark fixates on the next target. If they’d just take time to get to know the human beings they consider to be consumable resources, they might find themselves having a better meal later, rather than a hasty one now.

Sorry. Got lost in the metaphor a bit.

TLDR: don’t be a shark.