I went to my first munch about ten years ago. I was newly-separated from my first wife and looking to immerse myself in the kink community. There was a munch relatively nearby, so I messaged the organizer to ask her some questions. We had a brief conversation on Fetlife, and I felt comfortable attending. About twelve people showed up, and I’m still friends with more than half of them. We had a great time, and I went back to that munch every month.

However, the next week, there was another munch close to my new apartment. I went, thinking it would be the same as the first munch and it… was not. For starters, even though it was technically a Halloween costume contest, only two of us dressed up. Second, only five people attended, despite the room being large enough to hold 30 easily. I didn’t feel very welcomed, and I only vaguely remember anyone who was there — with the exception of the organizer, who I’ve seen in the local community in the intervening years.

Now, imagine if the second munch had been my first. How would I have reacted? Would I have thought all munches were like that and not gone to any more of them for a while? Would I have tried again? I don’t really know.

The point is: people’s first impressions of their first munch go a long way. They shape how a person approaches munches in the future, how they act at them, and if they even want to attend more. This is why many munch organizers work hard to make their munches welcoming, friendly, safe spaces for new people. Most of them succeed. I mean, sometimes it’s impossible — there’s a munch I go to that has over 100 people at it regularly, so the organizer doesn’t always get a chance to welcome everyone — but for the most part it’s not terribly difficult. Plus, a lot of munch leaders attend other people’s munches, so folks who might not have heard about their events get a chance to learn more before they even go.

If you’ve been to a munch and had a less-than-stellar experience, I hope you try again. No two munches are alike, and just because you didn’t enjoy one doesn’t mean you won’t enjoy others. I go to four or five munches each month, and I’ve been to some in the past that, for whatever reason, rubbed me the wrong way. I kept going, though, because you never know. And because the best way to meet people in the community isn’t sending messages on Fetlife; it’s meeting them in-person in a non-kink environment so you can get to know them as people, instead of as kink dispensers.