It’s not that there are more tops than bottoms. It’s that tops — too many tops — feel entitled to a bottom’s time, energy, and body, and bottoms don’t think that’s sexy.

Remember in my final TASSP 2023 post how I talked about the tops sitting around saying “oh, there’ll be an influx of bottoms soon”? That is not the right attitude to have. I mean, yes, tops are at spanking parties to spank bottoms, but that sort of entitlement mentality is kind of gross. You, Domly McDomerson, are not entitled to have a line of people waiting to be spanked by you. The people who do have lines waiting to be spanked by them have earned that by being some combination of good at what they do and good people in general. Sure, there are occasional outliers (I can think of one or two right off the top of my head), but in general, most of the “popular” tops I know have earned that status.

I am not one of them.

Oh, sure, I’m a good spanker, and I’m kind and respectful, but at spanking parties I sometimes have difficulty finding someone to play with. Maybe it’s because I’m too introverted, and I should just ask more people. Maybe it’s because my timing is off. It could be any number of things. At TASSP I distinctly remember talking to someone three times, and the third time I asked her if she wanted to play, and she agreed. Maybe she’d have agreed the first or second time, but it took me a while.

Or maybe I built up her trust in me by talking to her more often, by showing her that I wasn’t a creeper and instead was a respectful human who would appreciate the gift of her bottoming to me.

And yes, it’s a gift. The bottom is giving the top the privilege of spanking them. Whether you’re in a codified D/s relationship, whether you’re received blanket consent in advance, whether it’s just a one-time thing, it doesn’t matter — it’s a gift. More tops need to see it as such, and not be so entitled.

Until that changes, every kink event is going to feel top-heavy.