I wonder how many potentially-great partners I’ve missed out on because I swiped left on them.

Usually when I’m on dating apps, I swipe left for:

• Too far away/live in an area I don’t feel like driving to.
• Conservative+Christian in the profile.
• Mentioning God, Jesus, or any other religion.
• Likes hiking.
• Considers herself “active”.

Given that I’m looking for something very specific (an ethically non-monogamous woman between 30 and 50, maybe slightly older, who is into kink), I feel like I’m really narrowing down my choices, perhaps too much. But by the same token, the last time I matched with someone and we started dating, she was neither kinky nor poly, though she was willing to try both. (It didn’t end up working out but we’re still friends.) We had lots of other stuff in common, but not those things.

When you live in two different alternative lifestyles, and you don’t want to compromise on either, you really have to look for those things first — otherwise you’re just getting your hopes up to have them dashed when your potential partner says they’re not kinky or they’re not comfortable with you being non-monogamous.

In a way, I miss the old personals sites. It was just as difficult to meet someone, but at least you knew they were interested in kink or non-monogamy straight off. Nowadays if you want to do kinky dating, you almost always have to pay for it, but back in the day there were free personals sites. One of them inspired the story that eventually became “As Hard As You Can”, which appears in Butt Stuff. Here’s some of it:

I undid my belt and button, and she took over from that point, pulling my clothes off. I fell back onto the bed, and struggled up onto my elbows in time to watch her guide me to her mouth.

“God,” I whispered, amazed that she was so quick to do this, so quick to do what so many women hadn’t wanted to — and also amazed that she was swallowing me down so easily, until her nose pressed into my pubic hair. I was so glad we’d had the sexual health chat via text already; killing her mood was not on my agenda. “God, Kelly…”

She hummed in appreciation — I jumped a little — and her hands stroked their way up my thighs, spreading them apart and tugging me down toward her. My ass slid halfway off the bed and into her hands. Through all of it, her mouth moved over me, wet and hot, loud sucking and slurping sounds blocking everything else except the way it felt. It was the wettest, loudest blowjob I’d ever had, and by far the hottest. 

I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t react. I could only dig my fingers into the comforter as I groaned.

She took her mouth away and I made a protesting noise, but it came right back.

Then I felt something pressing between the cheeks of my ass — not insistent, just a slick presence stroking me. I gasped, arching upward and pushing downward. The rational part of my brain said it was her finger working its way inside me, just before it short-circuited and I lost it, my orgasm bursting into her mouth.

She didn’t seem to mind. The slurping sounds ceased, replaced by thick, loud gulps and swallows, her finger moving away from my ass as she rolled the head of my cock around in her mouth. Her tongue pressed the shaft up against her top teeth, and I let out one last weak spurt.

“You didn’t mind?” she asked, her breath hot on my cock as it grew heavy and soft.

“Mind?” My voice was breathy, my heart still pounding. “Why would I mind?”

She chuckled, taking my cock in her hand and kissing the head. Her tongue flicked the opening at the tip and I shivered, but I had nothing left and she let go, climbing into bed with me. I put my head on the pillows and she curled up against my side, my arm around her.

“Your mouth is fucking amazing.” I still sounded a thousand miles away.

Kelly shrugged. “Not the most romantic way to put it.”

“You just gave me a phenomenal blowjob,” I said. “Not feeling too romantic at this point.” I stroked her shoulder. “Won’t be much good to you in the getting-you-laid department.”

“I like giving head.” She drew her leg up over my crotch, her inner thigh smooth. It was one of my favorite parts on a woman. “You?”

She was looking up at me in what could only be described as a hopeful fashion.

There’s also spanking in that story. Just saying.